Sexuality

Part 2- The Myth of Virginity, or Not \”vir·ginity is the state of a person who has never engaged in sexual intercourse.\” Welcome to part 2 in the four-part series we are calling, \”What\’s sex got to do with her? Exploring deeper elements of female sexuality among Christians\”. In this post, we shall uncover the myth or truth about the notion of \”virginity.\”  In my young girl years, there happened to be a club in my lovely city. The club was called \”THE VIRGINS\’ CLUB.\” It was founded by my childhood best friend\’s mother. It was an enjoyable moment in my life as every Sunday evening, I hung out with my friends from school and met other girls my age. That was my ulterior motive for joining the club. Oh, and the occasional parties and field trips made it even more enticing. But the real purpose of the club was, as you can deduce from the name, to educate teen girls about sex and abstinence. That was the first time in my life; I vividly recall having a \’comprehensive\’ understanding of the word \’virgin.\’ At the club, we were taught about STIs, teenage pregnancy and others. One thing heard time and over again was the phrase \”Do not lose your virginity.\” You see, I have always been an analytical and curious person, so I recall, even as a young girl, how the phrase \”do not lose your virginity\” sounded wrong and problematic to me. But hey, who to ask or what questions to even ask. We were constantly admonished not to \”lose our virginity\” for various reasons such as: The boy wins in that situation You have no more value or less value as a girl You can\’t undo it, and once it\’s done, it is done. But the problem lies within the language \”losing.\” Losing means to be defeated, to fail to win, fail to keep, something that has been taken away and cannot be recovered\”. In essence, what is communicated is that once you have sexual intercourse, you have lost something that cannot be retrieved or something has been stripped away from you. I agree that something is indeed stripped away from you, and that is your innocence. Outside of that, you have not lost your value, your dignity or worth as a woman. Being told from childhood that \”do not lose your virginity\” screams once you have any sexual encounter, you cannot recover from that, which is not the whole truth. The other part of this language is that once you \”lose your virginity,\” some irreparable damage has been done to you. As such, the tale of policing the sexuality of women is as long as time. The whole notion of \”Virginity\” is presented to the woman, in this context, the single Christian woman as a measure of her sexual purity. Virginity is, for some reason is tied to her value and dignity as a woman. The science behind the virginity of a woman, or the physical marker for virginity, is the presence of the hymen. Misinformation and circulated myths about the perceived relationship between the hymen and a woman\’s virginity can be incredibly harmful to women. Research had misinformed that the presence of the hymen determines a woman\’s sexual purity. My recollection of how the hymen was explained to me as a young girl was that it was an elastic membrane that every girl had. And that elastic membrane can only be breached if there is penetrative sex. Hence, many cultures stuck to the examination of the hymen as proof of a girl\’s virginity.  However, recent research has offered a more scientific basis as to why the hymen cannot be relied on as a physical maker on a woman\’s virginity and why equating the virginity of a woman to the presence of the hymen is untrue and harmful. So, what is the hymen? In simple, non-medical terms, the hymen is a remnant tissue just inside the vaginal opening that is leftover from the formation of the vagina during embryonic development. A tiny amount of excess tissue in a crescent-shaped or ring-like structure around the margin of the vaginal entrance is the most typical symptom. Many people are startled to hear that the hymen serves no medicinal or physiological function. For some women, there is almost no tissue at all. Others believe it is a membrane that covers the vaginal opening. That situation is uncommon, and it can interfere with sex or tampon use, but it can be surgically removed. The most common misconception about the hymen is that it is \”intact\” until it is broken during vaginal penetration, at which point it becomes a physical marker of virginity. Though many women do experience a small amount of bleeding from hymenal tearing during their first intercourse, this is by no means a universal experience, as many women have very little tissue there, to begin with. With the misconception on the relationship between the hymen and the virginity of a woman established, let\’s talk about the topic of today\’s discussion, is virginity a myth or not? Below, I discuss 3 myths associated with the virginity of the woman. VIRGINITY=VIRTUE: \”Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.\” Proverbs 31 v 10 Virginity is not synonymous with virtue. Virtue is behaviour showing high moral standards. It is delivering diligence, excellence, and integrity. While I agree that a sexually pure woman is more likely to be diligent, excellent, prudent and have more integrity, it is not always the threshold. I would walk us through Proverbs 31, which enlists the things that the woman does, which makes her virtuous, and I hate to break the news to you, but her virginity or the sexual life was not relevant to the situation. The point is this, we have, intentionally or unintentionally, in the church equated virginity to virtue. We have alluded that once a woman is a virgin or sexually pure, all that matters. We have insinuated that all other parts

Sex ·u·al·i·ty ; capacity for sexual feelings. Welcome to the first post in a four-part series we are calling “What’s sex got to do with her? Exploring deeper elements of female sexuality among Christians”.  The church, in its entirety, has shied away from speaking on the topic of sex from the pulpit. The few times the church has attempted to address sex in sermons, seminars, and marriage books, rarely do we hear a female perspective on teaching meant for the whole church. Even more, censored is the conversation on single women and their sexuality. In the four-part series, I hope to speak openly and freely on our sexuality as single Christian women. The conversation has multiple layers and dimensions to it. I pray that the Holy Spirit will bring finality to the confusion and concerns we have and experience in all things. DISCLAIMER: The word “Sexuality” used in this post refers to straight/heterosexual relationships.  Part I: FREEDOM TO EXPRESS HER SEXUALITY “Clitoris, female erogenous organ capable of erection under sexual stimulation” Let start here; God had every intention to let you as a woman express and enjoy your sexuality. Admittedly the context for expressing and enjoying your sexuality as a single woman is not the same as that of a married woman. Sexuality is a part of your being, your existence, your essence. At this point in our relationship with God, I am optimistic we can all agree that HE CREATED US!! ALL OF OUR INDIVIDUAL PARTS WERE FORMED BY HIM TO PERFORM A FUNCTION. Mouth to eat and speak, ears to listen, eyes to see, legs to walk, hands to touch and feel, hair for beauty, nose to breathe and the clitoris for sexual stimulation! See what I did there? Growing up in sub-Saharan Africa, Ghana, to be specific, we were exposed to particular cultural practices that suppressed the sexuality of the female. The female was punished for merely being a sexual being. The two primary cultural practices were the Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) and the “Birago) or DIPO.” The FGM is basically female circumcision, except in this case, the part of the vagina responsible for sexual arousal and stimulation is mutilated or cut off, i.e., the clitoris. The motive for cutting off the clitoris is to prevent the woman from experiencing any form of sexual pleasure. In so doing, the woman will be faithful to only her husband because “she can’t miss what she has never experienced.” “Birago) or DIPO” (they do not have English words) is the outdooring of a young girl who has reached puberty and is culturally regarded as “ripe for marriage.” On the surface, that looked like an acceptable way to promote chastity and dignify the girl until the young girl gets pregnant before she is “out doored.” She is regarded as a disgrace, disowned by family, and banished from the community. In some cases, she becomes an outcast with the man responsible for the pregnancy, in other cases alone. I cite these two examples to set the tone for the conversation on our freedom to express our sexuality healthily, without prejudice, judgement, or punishment. One may ask, what exactly do I mean by expressing our sexuality? We will get right to it; in the meantime, I want to spend some time calling our attention to how the church culture has promoted passivity regarding single women and their sexuality. The Church culture has been unnecessarily critical of the sexuality of women for all the right reasons but with the wrong approach and motive. The right reason is to prevent pregnancies outside of wedlock. Most sermons on Chasity, purity and sexual immorality were directed at the female. We were told, “God does not want you to do such and such,” but then the question of “What does God really want me to do with my sexuality before marriage” was never answered. The closest way out would be “wait till marriage.” But what if I can’t wait? What if I was raped? What if? One of the most toxic and harmful narratives perpetuated by the church culture is that for a woman, sex matters to you only when it is to pleasure your husband or to have children. While I must admit that it is changing significantly with feminism and all types of advocacies, it is not easy to unlearn something fundamentally ingrained in your orientation. For my twenty-something years of being in existence and being in the church, I have not for once heard an honest, open, and transparent conversation on female sexuality. The church has failed woefully in that area, but not to be harsh on the institution as I believe they only promoted what was handed down to them. The result of the failure is a gap between sexuality and spirituality. Questions like, is it okay to want to talk about sex in a healthy context? Can I pray to God about my sexuality and not only in the context of fornication or sexual immorality? What part does my sexuality play in my spirituality? How can I intersect the two, or is it appropriate to be a tongue-speaking, Holy Ghost-filled Christian and be knowledgeable about my sexuality as a woman? It wasn’t until I clocked mid-twenties and my hormones developed more that I began to experience a heightened need for sexual encounters or intimacy. I am probably a late bloomer as some women experience it as early as puberty. Also, for a while, I was ignorant that a female could be sexually aroused just as a man could. It didn’t have to be because a male touched her necessarily. But why don’t we talk about the woman’s sexual wants or cravings? Why are we “hush-hush” on the subject? Why do we make it seem that sex only appeals to the male? Why do we make it seem like the man is the only one who can want or enjoy sex, but for the woman, it is solely for reproductive purposes? Why do we excuse