Being Phenomenal

Before you discard “New Year’s Resolution”, read this… pt2

Nelia Gyemfi — Mon, 15 Jan 2024 03:00:36 +0000

Third week of the year 2024 it is! How is it going friends? Settling into the year well?

In our previous post, we explored what could be some barriers preventing you from being successful in your crushing your goals. It would be unfair to speak about one side without the other, that is an imbalance. In this piece, we will unpack a few tools and tactics to help us.

Let’s dig right in…

Pray, no like for real pray: God is not a created being, He is the Creator. You and me, and everything else, created by God (Gen. 1 v26) or by man. Our status as created beings put us at a natural disadvantage of lacking all knowledge. We cannot, and will never, know more than the creator concerning the created being and things. I can never know more about a car than the engineer who designed and built it.

Same logic applies with God; we know somethings, sometimes, but we will not know all things at all times.

Imagine this, you purchase a vehicle, and the only way you drive the vehicle without worrying is that you pay for a monthly insurance. In that case, you know that should any wear, accidents or issues come up, you call up your insurance company and all is taken care of. And the thing with your car insurance is sometimes you got to hustle them and prove why you deserve the insurance claim. But the logic here that I want to highlight is that paying for insurance on your vehicle gives you a certain level of peace. Knowing that when it is needed, you will have it.

Here is the thing about praying, it is our only fail-proof insurance in this walk of life. I could list endless Bible verses about why you need to pray because it is a commandment, or it is the only way to communicate with God. I could also tell you that Jesus Christ, in man form prayed consistently, and all of that would be the truth. Today, I want you to imagine your life without an insurance policy. Anything can and will happen to you. Your plans don’t have the surety of succeeding. You can’t be sure that the decision you made, in 20 years from today will be beneficial.

And even with the wisdom and foresight of experience and growth, our decisions/plans/life are not all fail-proof, or at least that’s what I think. Knowing what decisions/plans to make, its connection to our blessings, benefit or consequences require a high-level security clearance and insurance that can only be in God. Only God knows it all, because He exists in and of Himself, and only in Him can we insure our decisions against loss.

So when you pray concerning a goal, pray that it is insured and fail-proof in Christ Jesus!

Measure your progress: “In God we trust; all others must bring data.” —W. Edwards Deming.

Imagine you are at a game, let’s say a soccer game and after 90 minutes of game play, and maybe an extra 5 minutes of injury time, there are no scores. Not even a 0-0. The scoreboard just says game over. No scores or nothing. Can you tell how absurd that is? Keeping scores in a game is not only about who won/lost, but it provides an accurate performance report.

Unfortunately, most of us, myself included go through our lives as though we went to game that didn’t keep scores. We actively avoid measuring our progress for fear of confronting the bitter truth that we may not be doing as good as we are, or the fear that we are doing better than we imagined, therefore inviting us to do more.

Scorekeeping serves as a practical reality check, offering insights and performance feedback. Efficient measurement eliminates emotional bias from the evaluation process, providing an accurate portrayal of your performance. The focus is solely on outcomes, disregarding effort or intentions.

It’s common to rationalize subpar results occasionally, but effective scorekeeping compels us to confront the reality of our situation, even when discomfort arises. Though this confrontation may be challenging, doing so promptly allows us to shift our actions toward achieving more favorable results. Effective measurement demands our attention, urging immediate responses and enhancing the likelihood of future success.

Effective time management: Time is the one non-renewable resource we have, unfortunately it is the one resource we treat as if we can make more of. The next time you are tempted to procrastinate, remember that you cannot reproduce time. I say this not to cause panic, but to bring to your attention or remembrance, that if you do not control your time, you cannot control your results.

Being available to everyone and for everything is an indication that external people and things impact your time more than you take charge. Truth is to hit those goals like a bullseye, time must be dedicated to them. It is a non-negotiable. You want to scale the business, you got to put time in. You want to lose the weight, put time in. You need to pass those exams, time. Show one thing you need to accomplish which doesn’t involve time….. I am waiting. Right none, I thought as much.

One practical way to ensure you have a grasp of your time is the use of time blocks. Figure out your best working time. Are you an early bird or night owl? Block out about 2-3 hours of those peek performance hours and get your time in for your goals.

This is in no way an exhaustive list, however I believe it is the best way to get going on those goals. It is my hope and prayer that a year from now, we would check those goals off our list, and be ready to dive into a fresh set of goals!!

Wishing you all the best of 2024!!!

Love and hugs,

Nelia

Leave us a comment… we would love to know what you think!

Before you discard “New Year’s Resolution”, read this…

Nelia Gyemfi — Sun, 07 Jan 2024 04:13:36 +0000

Hey there, friend! First of all, congratulations on making it into 2024! Regardless of whether you sprinted, strolled, or even dragged yourself into the new year, the fact that you’re here is an achievement in itself. Take a moment to appreciate that.

With the start of a new year, many of us embrace the idea of a fresh beginning, a chance to improve ourselves or revive dormant dreams. The concept most commonly associated with this pursuit is the “New Year’s Resolution.” While some argue its ineffectiveness without a commitment to daily actions, it’s essential not to dismiss the value of setting new goals on January 1st. For many, the new year signifies more than a mere change in the calendar; it’s an awakening.

Rather than discarding the idea of resolutions, what might truly benefit us is providing tools and resources to support those who find solace and purpose in setting new goals each year. This shift in mindset could lead to a daily commitment to living our best lives, aligning our present actions with the future we envision.

Before you decide to abandon your New Year’s Resolutions or Goals, consider these common barriers that might be hindering your success:

https://rubiesworth.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/God-Goals-Growing-and-Glowing.mp4

Lack of Emotional/Spiritual Connection to the Resolution: A resolution should stem from a deep conviction to change, grounded in emotional or spiritual fulfillment. Ask yourself: What emotional or spiritual connection do I have to this goal? Connect your resolutions to a compelling vision for your life, bridging the gap between your present and your envisioned future.

For example, let’s say I resolve to revive my blog and post more. This resolution is not merely a fleeting desire; it arises from a profound understanding that writing is an integral part of who I am. The act of putting words on paper brings me a level of emotional and spiritual fulfillment that nothing else can match. To truly embark on the journey of writing more frequently and sharing my gift with the world – my ultimate goal – I recognize the need to establish a deep emotional and spiritual connection between the act of writing and the larger vision I have for my life.

Consider this: What is your vision for your life? Picture yourself at the ripe age of 90, reflecting on the long and blessed life that God has granted you. What legacy do you want to leave behind? What level of fulfillment do you hope to experience? Now, bring your thoughts back to the present moment. The gap between your current reality and your envisioned self at 90 encompasses more than just time; it involves the compelling vision you hold.

This compelling vision should serve as the guiding force for your present-day goals. By aligning your goals with the emotional and spiritual connection to your overarching life vision, you provide wings to your commitment. These wings will allow you to glide seamlessly towards your objectives, driven not only by the desire for change but by a deeper understanding of how these actions contribute to the fulfillment of your life’s purpose.

Victim Mindset: Life has its ups and downs, but blaming external factors for our challenges perpetuates a victim mindset. Take ownership of your actions and outcomes, recognizing that waiting for someone else to fix things won’t lead to a fulfilling life. Life is inherently unpredictable, with some days being fantastic, others average, and some challenging. This imbalance is what maintains life’s equilibrium. However, adopting a victim mindset, blaming others or systems for difficult days, hinders personal growth. A victim mindset seeks external redemption instead of taking ownership of life’s challenges. Individuals in this mindset limit their success by attributing it to external factors. To truly enjoy life, it’s crucial to reject the victim mindset, as waiting for external solutions hampers personal responsibility. As Candace Owens puts it, “Life is tough; get a helmet.” Embrace challenges, but don’t rely on others to provide the solutions – choose not to live in a victim mindset.

Shedding Accountability: In “The 12 Week Year” book, the authors emphasize that accountability goes beyond mere consequences; it involves taking ownership of one’s actions and results. It’s a character trait and a life stance, requiring a willingness to be responsible regardless of the circumstances. While accountability often implies someone else ensuring corrective measures, the authors argue that true accountability is an individual commitment. Relying on others for accountability is not an honest system; instead, having an accountability partner means having someone witness your ownership of actions or inactions. For example, if I commit to writing and publishing a blog weekly, it’s crucial to take ownership of that commitment. Sharing it with a friend is beneficial, but it doesn’t transfer responsibility; the friend becomes a witness to my accountability. Ultimately, expecting others to consistently play the role of holding you accountable is unrealistic, as everyone is busy navigating their own lives, except for those who brought you into this world i.e. parents or are paid to teach you.

Conflicting Intentions: Conflicting intentions arise when our stated goals clash with certain aspects of our desires, making it difficult to achieve milestones. For instance, aspiring to lose 10kg while indulging in any made of flour, eggs, sugar, and butter reveals conflicting intentions. The challenge lies in these hidden intentions that we may be unaware of or avoid confronting. Many times, our written goals don’t align with our true selves, hindering achievement. To bridge this gap, it’s essential to acknowledge and confront these hidden intentions. For example, desiring weight loss while still enjoying food or lacking motivation to exercise indicates a misalignment. Reconciling written goals with these hidden truths is crucial for successful goal attainment. Until this reconciliation occurs, achieving New Year’s resolutions remains elusive.

Over – ambitiousness: Over-ambitiousness in setting goals can be counterproductive. While the notion of dreaming big is often encouraged, it can also be a reason why goals remain unachieved. The optimism that accompanies new year resolutions might wane when the reality of the effort required to make significant changes sets in. Therefore, it’s crucial not to set goals that are overly ambitious. While stretching oneself is commendable, it should be a reasonable stretch within reach. For example, committing to publishing a blog consistently is a worthwhile goal, but aiming to publish three times a week might be excessively ambitious and lead to discouragement. A more realistic and achievable stretch could be committing to publishing once a week – challenging enough to push beyond comfort zones but not so overwhelming as to cause panic and avoidance of the goal.

Next week, we will walk though some success tips to crushing your goals. And no, you do not know what it will be. Keep an open mind!

Leave a comment, and share with a friend! Oh and Happy New Year!

Healed In Victory (Interview with KoHsin Illingworth)

Nelia Gyemfi — Sat, 25 Feb 2023 13:49:44 +0000

For many, the acronym HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) may be a death sentence, and rightly so. But for KoHsin Illingworth, it has taken a new meaning, which will unfold as you continue to walk with us in this story.

Kohsin tell us about your childhood. How was it like growing up?

I grew up in a financially stable home, alongside my brother. As kids we were competitive. As every young girl, I had my ambitions, plans and dreams for her future. My parents were bankers who paid keen attention to the physical, academic, and financial pieces of my life. However as with most parents, that was at the cost of being emotionally available for their daughter. Interesting, I found Jesus on my own even though I was born into a Buddhist home. I got baptized, which was a public confession of my faith. I had my insecurities growing up. These insecurities and the vacuum left by the emotional and mental neglect of my parents fueled her insecurities and motivated me to seek solace elsewhere.

When did you relocate to the UK and for what?

After my undergraduate degree in Taiwan, I eventually relocated from the Uk to pursue a Master’s in commerce at the

How was life in the UK for you as a newcomer?

I thought I had found this new level of freedom. I would be hopping from party to party, engaging in one-night stands etc. I was at a party one night where I was raped. I was drunk but I still remember that experience and how my body was violated that night. A few years later, I met and married my lovely husband. Everything was going on well, for a young couple. Until I started falling ill and the doctors couldn’t diagnose what was wrong with my body. I was committed even to the mental institutions because she was diagnosed with clinical depression and maniac episodes. One fateful night, I lost consciousness, collapsed, and had to be transported to the hospital in an ambulance. The doctors at the point, at their wits end decided to test for HIV/AIDS. The tests came out positive. The Doctors mentioned this was contracted about 6 or 7 years ago, and had develop into a full-blown AIDS, which was gradually killing me.

At this point Kohsin, finding out that you have been diagnosed with HIV/AIDS, from rape, if you could go back in time to speak to your younger self then, what would you tell her?

I would say to her be careful about your association. If you find yourself in the wrong crowd, it is easier to land in darkness. Be wise, especially as a woman. Having one-night stands wasn’t wise of me. Don’t be careless and take care of yourself.

What was your initial reaction after being diagnosed with HIV/AIDS?

Prior to the diagnosis, I did not have any HIV/AIDS awareness but only knew the diagnosis was fatal. Especially when the nurses would constantly remind me “Mrs. Illingworth, we are doing our possible best to save your life.” I also observed my husband howling and crying, and that was also an indication of how bad it was. I would eventually contemplate suicide by overdosing on her medication.

How did this impact your marriage and family?

It impacted my husband a lot. He had a front row seat to my illness. He was also eventually diagnosed with HIV. Imagine a young couple who married in their early 30’s and a year later, I am dying with Aids and my husband is diagnosed with HIV. He may have been in a better situation than me, but it was still bad. My husband would still visit me in the hospital daily even though he was going through his own trials at the time.

Let’s talk about the healing process. We have talked so much about the painful past and how you came to realize your diagnosis let’s get into the good stuff.

When I was in the hospital even though I was physically weak I found some inner strength and I believe it was the power of God that came over me. I started praying just in the little way that I could. Prior to being diagnosed or even prior to marrying my husband I had completely left the place of fellowship with God. It wasn’t until one day when I had left the hospital, I heard God’s voice clearly speak to me saying that KoHsin am waiting for you to come home. I looked around trying to see if there was anyone next to me who had spoken those words to me but there was no one around me. I was alone and I heard the voice clearly speak to me that I’m waiting for you to come home.

After I heard that that voice I jumped into a taxi, and I went straight to a Baptist Church. Once I got into the church, I narrated my whole experience to the people, and they were kind and loving enough to welcome me into fellowship into their community and just show me the love of God. And this is how my healing process began because I went back to my father’s house and the warmth, the love, the embrace, that I experienced from the people but most importantly from God was word started my healing journey.

I also had to learn to forgive myself for the mistakes of my past. I had to forgive myself because I had constantly blamed myself thinking that if I hadn’t attended that party that evening I would not have been raped and I would not have contracted the HIV/AIDS. But I came to the place where I knew that to accept God’s forgiveness for me, I had to forgive the man that raped me, I had to forgive myself and I had to accept the forgiveness that I know was in God.

Additionally, I also sought counselling with the Christian Counsellors and that really helped put my marriage with my wonderful husband back on track.

At what point did you find out that you were in the process of getting physically healed from HIV/AIDS?

I was put on HIV antiretroviral medication. These medications were very effective to the extent that my HIV virus count dropped within a very short period from 25,000 to 0. While I believe in the efficiency of the medication, I also believe in the healing power of Jesus Christ and while I was even on medication, I would constantly pray asking God for my HIV virus counts to reduce drastically. It came to me as no shock when I found out after some months of being on the HIV medication that my stats had moved from thousands to zero, which is non detectable.

Let’s talk about the lives this story has touched. Then we’ll talk a bit about your ministry because I know that it was through this healing that you started your ministry healed in victory so we can also talk about that a bit.

I started having courage as I continued to pray to God praying to put something in me. I remember I went on a mission trip and that’s when I was told during coaching that Kohsin, you have a lot of emotional baggage, but you need to pray to God’s will to be done.

I continued to seek the face of God, even to allow me to conceive a baby. During Christmas at 2015, I gave birth to my daughter, Hannah. It was a difficult pregnancy as I was still HIV positive. I was under specialist care. I gave birth to a miracle child, Hannah, who was born without any trace of HIV in her body. That was the second miracle I experienced in this period of my life.

So, at this point, I knew I had to open and share my testimony with the world. At every given opportunity, every platform, every stage. God opened the door for me to go to go back to Taiwan, my home country where I was the first Taiwanese woman to go on live TV to share my story, from HIV to Christ. It was broadcast on Taiwan’s Christian channel, and it blessed so many lives. I received positive feedback and then that’s when I realized God is using my testimony to break the shame and stigma around HIV/AIDS.

The Taiwanese TV station was the first step to use to attend that healed in victory ministry is that correct

Yes, when I started to share my testimony the first one was broadcast from Taiwanese gospel channel and then from that I shared in Thailand. I also shared on so many channels, including BBC Radio. The platforms and opportunities to share are innumerable. Every opportunity I am presented with, I share to the end that many will believe in the healing power of God. To the world, HIV is a terminal disease with stigma, but in God, HIV means Healed in Victory.

I’m not ashamed to tell people that I was HIV. It took like 10 years through the restoration process to get healed. As such, we need to encourage people not to give up in believing that God can still heal.

Even as I hear you talk about healed in victory and you talking about your journey from HIV and everything, I believe that God did not only heal you from the physical debilitating effects of HIV. I feel like there was a real mental healing as well. Someone might think that I don’t have HIV, so this is not for me, or I don’t have a physical illness, so I don’t need God. But I believe that your story is such a wholesome healing experience. You got healed from many things like insecurity, mental illness and the trauma of rape.

Tell us about your book, Real Mums, Real Jesus.

As a new mother, and with my HIV status, I couldn’t breastfeed my daughter Hannah. Additionally, having her through caesarean session made me feel alienated to her. I didn’t have the instant maternal bond I thought I would have. Other struggles reared their head, and as I began to speak with other mothers, they related with my struggle. So, the book is a collection of experiences, written for mothers by mothers, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. I said to God I said all those real moms’ stories if I didn’t put “Real Jesus” on the front it will probably reach to more audience because I want to use this book to help myself and help women and moms around the world. That was my initial initiative and my vision, but God really said to be put the real Jesus on the front cover and then put the word of God alongside them.

This book has been translated in Urdu for our community in Pakistan and, Swahili for our folks in Kenya. Pakistan, India, and Taiwan. We continue to receive tremendous testimonies on the book.

You can purchase a copy of the book by clicking this link.

Thanks for reading. Let Kohsin know how her story has inspired and ignited hope in you by leaving a comment.

Tamar-Not this Widow II

Nelia Gyemfi — Sat, 26 Nov 2022 12:26:44 +0000

In the following years Tamar heard that her father-in-law Judah was visiting the city in which she lived. Judah’s wife the daughter of shore had died and when the time of morning was passed Judah was going up to the sheep shearers in Timnah with his friend Hirah, the Adullamite. I guess news travels far, so Tamar found out her father-in-law was going to make this trip, down to the city where she lived.

Let’s not forget that at this point Tamar had been waiting in her father’s home as a widow for Judah’s last son to come of age so she could be married to him. I could only imagine the betrayal of trust and love that Tamar felt towards her father-in-law after he had promised that when his third son, Shelah came of age, he was going to give her to him for a husband.

So, she planned very strategically to meet with her father-in-law. This meeting is not one that you would even think of and I for one had judged Tamar based on just how unorthodox and initially I thought self-centred this meeting was. Tamar took off her window’s clothes and disguised herself, with a veil and wrapped herself up in disguise. She then positioned herself at the gateway of Enaim, which is on the road to Timnah, Judah’s destination. When Judah saw her he thought that she was a temple prostitute for she had covered her face as such woman did in those days. He turned to her by the road and said please, let me lie with you. Tamar didn’t just go with him again because she was strategic about what she was doing, and she knew exactly what the outcome was that she wanted. So, she asked “what will you give me if I came in to lay with you?” And for a man of Judah’s calibre, this was a very easy question for him so he answered and said oh I will give you one of my young goat from my flock. She said well, obviously you don’t have the goats with you here but what you can do is you can give me a pledge which is something that I can hold onto until you have delivered the goat and Judah agreed. So, he asked what pledge I would give you that would be satisfactory for you and she said give me your seal, your cord, and your staff that is in your hand. She might have all have said that you know what let me just take a picture of you and hold on to that or let me just take a DNA sample of you and hold on to that because all these three things that she took from him as a pledge were things that would later come to find out where very specific and unique to Judah as an individual. No one else had his seal no one else had his staff and no one else had his cord.

So after their little you know chit chat and bargain Judah eventually lay with Tamar which is biblical jargon for had sex with Tamar. After the intimacy, Tamar got up early the next morning gathered her things left and put on put back her widows clothing and just went back to her father’s home as if nothing had happened. Eventually Judah sent the goat, which remember he had promised to Tamar. He sent this through his friend, Hirah, Tamar was nowhere to be found. He inquired from the people around and said there was a prostitute that sat by the temple where can I find her? He was told you know what there is no prostitute that sat by this temple you might have made a mistake and there was no one here. So, the friend returned to Judah and said I can’t find the person. Judah said that you know what if we can find her that’s fine, we just keep the goat because if we keep looking for her and it is found out that I am the one who laid with her, it’s going to be embarrassing for me.

A few months passed and again as word travels fast Judah was told that you know your daughter-in-law Tamar whom you had sent home to wait for your youngest son to come of age so that he would marry her? Yeah, that same Tamar is pregnant. Judah was furious, he was upset, and he ordered her to be brought out and let her be burned because of her immorality. Again, let’s not forget that just a few months even before now Judah himself had laid with Tamar whom he thought was a prostitute which was also immoral. But as it pertains to Tamar he was upset and said let’s burn her for her immorality talk about double standards.

While she was being brought to be burned, she took all the things that Judah gave her as a pledge the seal the cord the staff and said to Judah I am with child by the man to whom these articles belong. And she added please examine them carefully and see clearly to whom these things belong the seal, the cord, and the staff. Judah recognized these articles as his and said you know what she is been more righteous than I have ever been in this matter why because I did not give her my son Sheila as I had promised. And so, tamer’s life was spared. And when the time came for her to give birth the word twins in her womb these twins would eventually be called Perez and Zerah who are in the genealogy of Jesus Christ.

What lessons do we learn from Tamar in this part

Re-writing your story: Let’s be honest Judah had no plans of given Shelah to Tamar for marriage. In which case Tamar would have remained a widow in her father’s home till she passed into glory. And as we saw in part one, Judah had the power or the prerogative to release Tamar and allow her to remarry from another family, but he didn’t do that for reasons known to him. Tamar eventually realized she had the power by the grace of God to rewrite her story. She marinated on the fact that for the larger part of her adult life her story had been narrated by being passed on from son to son to son and that was all that we would know about her until she said to herself not this widow. And once she came to the realization that she had the power to break through those limiting beliefs and to rewrite her story, she in fact did rewrite her story. Though her means may be questionable, she still did rewrite her story.

I want you to pause and reflect what part of your life do you need to rewrite. What narrative has been said about you or has been taught about you that you have believed for a while and that has become your identity. I want you to start reimagining what life could be like if you said not this again. I want you to reimagine what your life would be if you decided that from henceforth, I would not buy into this narrative about my life anymore and I choose to rewrite that story. I challenge you to do that. I challenge you to take control over what the narrative has been about you. Whatever position that you’ve been placed in that you feel that you are helpless and so you’re waiting for someone to come bail you out, what if that person cannot bail you out? What if that person decides not to bail you out what will become of you? And so, I want you from now onwards to approach life and realize that you know what no one is coming to bail me out of this thing called life. No one is going to bail me out of this narrative until I decide that I’m going to bail myself out.

Strategic Planning and Positioning:

I find it hard to believe that Judah’s first time of visit in this city was when Tamar met him. He probably would have traveled to that city several times prior, and Tamar would have known or would have heard of it at some point just as she did this time. The only difference this time was that after she heard, she decided she needed to rewrite her story. She strategically planned and executed her plan. It goes without saying that you can plan all you want but if you do not pull those plans into action, you won’t get the desired results. For Tamar to be pregnant the only one time she had sex with her father-in-law meant that she was in her ovulation cycle. That is the only way she would have been pregnant by having sex with her father-in-law. Nothing else outside of that window would have worked. So, she had to be calculative enough to figure out “when I’m in my cycle and this is when I’m going to meet him and this is the conversation that I would have with him, that he would have sex with me and will be pregnant.”

On top of that for me not to be shamed or stoned to death I need to prove that he is responsible for my pregnancy. So, a goat would not be proof enough. The only evidence beyond doubt would be his articles which are his stuff his called and his seal. Tamar knew that as soon as she’s able to present these articles as evidence of the man who impregnated her, she would be vindicated and that’s exactly what happened. Why is this important? It’s important to note this because often we get into a space where we want to change our results, we want to be right our story, but we have no plans. In the off chance that we have a plan we do not strategically execute the plan. Tamar knew how to dress, she knew how to disguise herself enough not to be recognized, she knew where to sit, how to position herself so that Judah would not miss her. She knew the conversation to have with Judah and she knew how to steer the conversation to get what she wanted out of that situation. Again, I want you to think about your life what part of your life are you re-imagining what part of your life are you rewriting but narrative are you looking to rewrite what strategic plan are you putting in place to ensure that comes to pass and how are you making sure that you execute the plans that you have put in place together desired results.

When it’s all said and done Tamar said not this widow. This widow will not die a widow neither will she die motherless. She recognized that by to grace of God, I am the only one that can rewrite this story of mine and turn the end of the story. And once she had that shift in her mindset, she had a plan would she executed by positioning herself at the right place other right time having the right conversation doing the right thing disguising herself in the way that is going to give the desired results.

Daughter of Zion you cannot live a haphazard life and expect results to change. You cannot buy into the narrative of the world about you and expect that someone is going to bail you out of that narrative. When and if you find the courage to decide to rewrite, reimagine or retell that part of your story, that part of your life that thing that is holding you back right now know that planning alone is not enough you need to execute the plan. in the story.

TAMAR; Not this widow!

Nelia Gyemfi — Tue, 18 Oct 2022 02:15:51 +0000

Tamar, wife/widow of Er and Shelah has never been in the clique of reputable women in the Bible, comparable to Esther, Mary or even Deborah. She may be somewhere in between Rahab and Ruth, fierce enough to take her future in her hands but modest and unassuming. And maybe it had to do with the fact that she tricked her father-in-law to have sex with her, consequently being pregnant with twins! Talk about a comeback!

I led this Bible Study in our Being Phenomenal Community (click here to join) and it was such an incredible, enlightening session. It is amazing how much we learn when we take off the lenses of pride and prejudice.

The name Tamar was a popular Old Testament name which means “palm tree or date palm” in Hebrew. A lot of women in the Old Testament were named Tamar, an example is Amnon’s sister who he raped (not the person of interest today). Biblically, a “Palm Tree” symbolizes longevity, to flourish, with its leaves in particular meaning victory. It comes as no surprise to me how Tamar was able to cement her name in the genealogy of Jesus.

Been given to Er, the first son of Judah for a wife, Tamar would soon become a widow. Her first husband, Er, was slain by God because there was wickedness found in him. (Gen.38 V 6-7). While in the process of grieving and healing from the loss of her husband, Judah, her father in-law, instructs Onan (his second son) to go into her (Biblical jargon for sex), and then marry her. (Gen. 38 v 8). To the end, that Onan and Tamar will raise a son in the name of Er (culture at the time). The levirate marriage was a common practice in that culture. Some cultures still practice this to date. The brother-in-law is required to father an heir with his sibling’s widow so his legacy would continue and ensure the inheritance for them after they died. (Deut. 25 v 5). Onan, wanting to eat his cake and have it, thought he could pick and choose which part of the culture to uphold. He chose the sex but didn’t want the responsibility of raising a kid. He marries and has sex with Tamar but spills his seed on the floor (Gen. 38 v 9). Onan’s decision to spill his seed on the ground was also motivated by greed due to the inheritance structure. The child he would bare for his brother would inherit more of Judah’s estate than him, Onan or his seed. Once again, God was displeased and that would be the end of Onan.

Judah now instructs Tamar saying, “Remain a widow at thy father’s house, till Shelah my son be grown for he said, lest peradventure he dies also, as his brethren did.” (Gen 38 v 11)

Tamar does exactly as she is told. She returns to her father’s home, being widowed twice! Judah had the prerogative to set Tamar free, allowing her to re-marry, but he did not. Tamar stayed unmarried, holding onto the words of Judah for a promising future of bliss and family.

Let’s pause here for a moment of reflection. I invite you to think of Tamar not as a Biblical character, but as you. In the next 30 seconds to a minute, you are Tamar. Write down how this experience has broken you. Reflect on the trauma of being passed on from one son, to the next. Reflect on how powerless you feel, being instructed to go home, and wait for a young boy to come of age, and maybe marry you. Think of the perceived loss of dignity, the prying eyes, the judgmental lips. Think of how you have internalized guilt, thinking perhaps, this misfortune was your fault, because really, you are the common denominator.

Sis, you may not have been widowed twice. You may not have been asked to return to your father’s home, waiting for a boy to become a man, to marry you. But what experience has left you feeling powerless? What trauma of rejection are you saddled with? What guilt, which by the way was not your blunder, have you internalized?

But Tamar rose, one day and said, NOT THIS WIDOW…. (to be continued)

Purity vs Virginity.

Nelia Gyemfi — Sun, 15 Aug 2021 22:46:46 +0000

pu·ri·ty

/ˈpyo͝orədē/

Noun freedom from adulteration or contamination.

Well, hello, and welcome to part 3 of the series, “What’s sex got to do with her? Exploring deeper elements of female sexuality among Christians”. The Church, in its entirety, has shied away from speaking on the topic of sex from the pulpit. The few times the Church has attempted to address sex in sermons, seminars, and marriage books, rarely do we hear a female perspective on teaching meant for the whole Church. Even more, censored is the conversation on single women and their sexuality.

Part 3 of our series is “Purity vs Virginity.” We want to uncover the most valid form or meaning of sexual morality that pleases God. Not man, not family, not society, not the pastor, but God and God alone.

In part 2 of the series “The myth of Virginity, or not,” we set the tone by defining what virginity is. Virginity, we defined as the state of a person who has never engaged in sexual intercourse.” We understood that there is not any physical marker that can determine whether a woman is a virgin or not. The only concrete way to find out is by asking her.

In the same way, it is prudent to define “purity” being the second side to the coin of this conversation. Purity is the quality of being unmixed, uncontaminated, or wholesome. An example of purity is the quality of a clear diamond with no blemishes.

Allow me to digress a bit. Before we all came to Christ or came to know and believe in the one true God, we were all plagued with sin, guilt, and uncleanliness.

Romans 3 v 22-24 Even the righteousness of God which is by the faith of Jesus Christ unto all and upon all them that believe: for there is no difference: For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus:

Our redemption is in Christ Jesus, and we have been justified freely by grace. In simple language, it is not our list of “dos and don’ts” that earn us the privilege of being redeemed. It is simply by grace.

Matthew 5:8

Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.

Psalm 24 v 3-5

Who shall ascend into the hill of the LORD? or who shall stand in his holy place?

He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully. He shall receive the blessing from the LORD and righteousness from the God of his salvation.

Purity in scripture is deep! It is profound because it is about God, not about us. Purity is about recognizing the holiness and righteousness of God and allowing your heart to be in sync with that nature of God. Purity is about our hearts and spirits communing with God supernaturally and divinely. Purity is not about you, and because it is not about you, only God can truly help you be pure in your heart and spirit.

Purity is not the list of ten commandments where we get rewarded or punished for flouting a principle. If purity had anything to do with us, or if it were indeed a list of dos and don’ts, our salvation will be of no consequence. Or there wouldn’t be the need for salvation, by which we freely receive grace.

BUT

The people in the Church have made it so that purity is synonymous with virginity. When you hear “oh, she’s pure,” it connotes, “oh, she is a virgin.” It is as if all other aspects of this person cease to exist because they remain a virgin. Or it is as if being a virgin precludes one from all other forms of perversion or sinfulness. Or it means being a virgin is, by default, bearing all the fruits of the spirit. We have downplayed the extent of depth of purity to whether a person is having sex or not. We have reduced the efficacy of the words “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God” to mean “Blessed are those who commit every other sin but sex, for God is pleased with them.” We have been so obsessed with the idea that purity is about us and not about God that we have found a unit of measurement, virginity.

I think the question we should ask is, what does it mean to be pure in heart?

The Apostle makes a compelling submission to the Church of Corinth, which can be very much likened to the Church today about sexual immorality.

This cluster of verses has very much been famous. I can recall knowing “the body is the temple of God,” but what does it really mean? What does it mean when the Apostle Paul in the earlier verses says that every sin you commit is outside the body, but the sin of fornication or sexual immorality is a sin against your flesh? And I guess the question is if I am sinning against myself, my flesh, what is the big deal? Who does that offend? I am not hurting anyone. And this is the lie the enemy has sold to us, and we so ever blindly have purchased this lie.

Many folks who engage in all forms of perversion believe reasonably it’s not to harm no one. And a lot of us are distrusting of what the word of God says about sexual immorality. It’s as if we may love God if we didn’t have any restrictive clauses attached to it. But we forget that before God gave any form of restriction, He gives freedom. We are distrusting because “why would God tell me what to do with my sexual body part?

Truth is the Bible speaks to how we should conduct ourselves with all our bodily parts. We have commandments on what to say or not to say, not to steal, walk or sit amid sinners etc. Such is it with our sexual organs; God can definitely tell us what to do with it and what not to. With the level of pleasure or gratification that comes with sexual activities, we are resistant to that truth. We want to have no part in restrictive commandments because first, we do not trust that God is all-wise and second, that He means well for us. It is like a parent restricting their child from climbing up a high countertop. The toddler will throw a tantrum because they do not trust that their parent is all-wise to tell them what to do and what not to do. Secondly, they do not trust that the parent means well for them. They also have conveniently forgotten that they have the whole floor to play, that there is no restriction in that freedom. It is true that when the toddler indeed falls off the stool, they hurt themselves physically, but they also hurt the parent. And that is how we treat God; when He says to flee from sexual immorality because you sin against your body, you hurt your flesh, but you hurt my spirit that lives within you by hurting your flesh.

I am using the term sexual immorality to encompass not just sexual intercourse but all other forms of sexual perversions like pornography and anything in that sphere.

So, let’s try to unpack this verse after verse because if not, I am not sure how to bring finality to this confusion and plethora of questions.

1 Corinthians 6v 12 All things are lawful for me, but not all things are expedient. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.

Expedient means advantageous, or beneficial or prudent. The Apostle Paul opens His submission by saying that while I can do anything under the law or have an excuse to do anything and everything I want, It is not advantageous for me to do so. I find this very compelling even outside the context of sexual immorality. We live in a world where the lines between what is right and wrong are being blurred consistently. The world is gradually becoming an “intelligent fool” because we think we are wise in our own way. Most dangerous of all, we believe we are wise above God. But we forget that to be wise is to seek God and to despise knowledge is to be a fool. Your degree is not what makes you wise. Your degree and your education give you intellect, not knowledge or wisdom. The fear(reverence) of God is the only way to be wise. Now, because we are becoming intelligent fools by the day, we, as Christians, are more than ever flirting with culture and “wokeness” in the name of being open-minded. But here Paul is saying that all things in this world are lawful, not far from the truth. The bigger question is, how is that beneficial to me? How does it benefit my relationship with God, family & loved ones?

1st Corinthians 6 v 14-17 But the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body: and God both raised the Lord, and will raise up us through his power. Know ye not that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a harlot? God forbid. Or know ye not that he that is joined to a harlot is one body? For, The twain, saith he, shall become one flesh. But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit.

This is some good stuff right here. Apostle Paul, at this juncture, acknowledges two things:

1. Our physical body is for God’s glory.

2. That God is concerned with our spirit than our flesh, but whatever we do with our flesh weighs in on our heart & spirit.

To be continued.

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The Myth of Virginity, or Not

Nelia Gyemfi — Tue, 27 Jul 2021 00:58:10 +0000

Part 2- The Myth of Virginity, or Not

“vir·ginity is the state of a person who has never engaged in sexual intercourse.”

Welcome to part 2 in the four-part series we are calling, “What’s sex got to do with her? Exploring deeper elements of female sexuality among Christians”. In this post, we shall uncover the myth or truth about the notion of “virginity.”

In my young girl years, there happened to be a club in my lovely city. The club was called “THE VIRGINS’ CLUB.” It was founded by my childhood best friend’s mother. It was an enjoyable moment in my life as every Sunday evening, I hung out with my friends from school and met other girls my age. That was my ulterior motive for joining the club. Oh, and the occasional parties and field trips made it even more enticing. But the real purpose of the club was, as you can deduce from the name, to educate teen girls about sex and abstinence. That was the first time in my life; I vividly recall having a ‘comprehensive’ understanding of the word ‘virgin.’ At the club, we were taught about STIs, teenage pregnancy and others. One thing heard time and over again was the phrase “Do not lose your virginity.”

You see, I have always been an analytical and curious person, so I recall, even as a young girl, how the phrase “do not lose your virginity” sounded wrong and problematic to me. But hey, who to ask or what questions to even ask. We were constantly admonished not to “lose our virginity” for various reasons such as:

The boy wins in that situation
You have no more value or less value as a girl
You can’t undo it, and once it’s done, it is done.

But the problem lies within the language “losing.” Losing means to be defeated, to fail to win, fail to keep, something that has been taken away and cannot be recovered”. In essence, what is communicated is that once you have sexual intercourse, you have lost something that cannot be retrieved or something has been stripped away from you. I agree that something is indeed stripped away from you, and that is your innocence. Outside of that, you have not lost your value, your dignity or worth as a woman. Being told from childhood that “do not lose your virginity” screams once you have any sexual encounter, you cannot recover from that, which is not the whole truth. The other part of this language is that once you “lose your virginity,” some irreparable damage has been done to you. As such, the tale of policing the sexuality of women is as long as time.

The whole notion of “Virginity” is presented to the woman, in this context, the single Christian woman as a measure of her sexual purity. Virginity is, for some reason is tied to her value and dignity as a woman. The science behind the virginity of a woman, or the physical marker for virginity, is the presence of the hymen.

Misinformation and circulated myths about the perceived relationship between the hymen and a woman’s virginity can be incredibly harmful to women. Research had misinformed that the presence of the hymen determines a woman’s sexual purity. My recollection of how the hymen was explained to me as a young girl was that it was an elastic membrane that every girl had. And that elastic membrane can only be breached if there is penetrative sex. Hence, many cultures stuck to the examination of the hymen as proof of a girl’s virginity.

However, recent research has offered a more scientific basis as to why the hymen cannot be relied on as a physical maker on a woman’s virginity and why equating the virginity of a woman to the presence of the hymen is untrue and harmful. So, what is the hymen?

In simple, non-medical terms, the hymen is a remnant tissue just inside the vaginal opening that is leftover from the formation of the vagina during embryonic development. A tiny amount of excess tissue in a crescent-shaped or ring-like structure around the margin of the vaginal entrance is the most typical symptom. Many people are startled to hear that the hymen serves no medicinal or physiological function. For some women, there is almost no tissue at all. Others believe it is a membrane that covers the vaginal opening. That situation is uncommon, and it can interfere with sex or tampon use, but it can be surgically removed. The most common misconception about the hymen is that it is “intact” until it is broken during vaginal penetration, at which point it becomes a physical marker of virginity. Though many women do experience a small amount of bleeding from hymenal tearing during their first intercourse, this is by no means a universal experience, as many women have very little tissue there, to begin with.

With the misconception on the relationship between the hymen and the virginity of a woman established, let’s talk about the topic of today’s discussion, is virginity a myth or not? Below, I discuss 3 myths associated with the virginity of the woman.

VIRGINITY=VIRTUE: “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.” Proverbs 31 v 10 Virginity is not synonymous with virtue. Virtue is behaviour showing high moral standards. It is delivering diligence, excellence, and integrity. While I agree that a sexually pure woman is more likely to be diligent, excellent, prudent and have more integrity, it is not always the threshold. I would walk us through Proverbs 31, which enlists the things that the woman does, which makes her virtuous, and I hate to break the news to you, but her virginity or the sexual life was not relevant to the situation. The point is this, we have, intentionally or unintentionally, in the church equated virginity to virtue. We have alluded that once a woman is a virgin or sexually pure, all that matters. We have insinuated that all other parts of her character are not relevant or not needed once a woman is a virgin. And for a long time, I too bought into the idea that the only proof of my character or the character of any woman for that matter is that they should be virgins. What if they were raped, sexually exploited, or taken advantage of? No more virtue is left in them. Also, assuming they even kept themselves till marriage before engaging in sex, does it mean that they have no more virtue? Or the argument is that you are only a woman of virtue if the first time you engage in sex is after marriage? If that is the case, then look around you. Yes, look around you; how many women, do you know, or have you heard of, who did not marry as virgins due to whatever circumstance but are virtuous in every sense of the word. So, the theory that virginity equals virtuousness is bogus, unfounded, and untrue. Virtuousness is a journey; Virginity is a state of being. The two are not synonymous or an indication of the presence of the other. You are not virtuous because of your virginity. In the same way, you are not un-virtuous due to you not being a virgin. Remember the parable of the Ten virgins, 5 wise & 5 foolish.

VIRGINITY=DIGNITY & VALUE: The second myth about virginity lies in how it has been used as a determiner of the value or dignity of the woman. This is primarily because, as explained in the first post of the series, women have not been given the freedom to own and express their sexuality. Sex has always been seen as a trade-off. The woman is trading off her value, her dignity, for something. As such, the more sexual encounters a woman has, it is seen to de-value her existence and essence as a woman. Can we, for the love of Christ, separate the value, dignity and worth of a woman from her sexuality? Throughout scripture, I see how the hand of God reached out to women who were, in the eyes of society, worthless because of how they expressed their sexuality. Rahab, the woman with the alabaster box, the Samaritan Woman at the well, Gomea, the King Hosea’s wife. The list is tall. The fact is if God did not, for one split second, marry the value/worth of women to their virginity, why have we done so? I have witnessed how in certain cultures, the woman who is not married as a virgin receives a lesser bride price because apparently, her value has diminished. This narrative that a person’s value can be reduced because sex is not Godly. Because last I checked, no sin can ever separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus. Romans 8 v 38 -39: I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. And if no sin can separate us from the love of God, and if we are worthy because God says so, can we dial back on how de-valued we have made women in the church feel for years!

VALUING VIRGINITY PROTECTS WOMEN: Another lie! Or Myth! Or both? This part gets me all the time. Culture, society, and the church hide under the guise of “protecting the virginity women” all the time while engaging in activities that will put these women/girls at sexual risk. In fact, “valuing virginity” exposes girls and women to violence, abuse, and assault from members of a society who believe her sexual behaviour determines a woman’s worth. Violations of girls’ and women’s sexual and reproductive rights and health occur daily in the name of preserving and protecting girls’ virginity, delaying sexual activity, or controlling the circumstances under which girls and women “lose their virginity.” From forced child marriages, female genital mutilation, and breast ironing to slut-shaming and the deliberate withholding of reproductive and sexual health information, the emphasis on preservation has negative consequences for girls worldwide. I don’t need that kind of “protection,” thank you very much. I mean the kind where I am still de-valued if abused, victim-blamed or slut-shamed. The type of protection where fear for the church, society or culture is placed above reverence for God. The kind of protection where I do not have access to the correct information, neither do I have the wherewithal to ask deep questions.

If you asked me, the only truth in the theory of virginity, of course from the Christian perspective, is found in 2nd Corinthians 6 v 12-20

All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any. Meats for the belly, and the belly for meats: God shall destroy both it and them. Now the body is not for fornication, but the Lord, and the Lord for the body. And God hath both raised up the Lord and will also raise up us by his own power.

Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them the members of a harlot? God forbid. What? Know ye not that he which is joined to a harlot is one body? For two, saith he, shall be one flesh. But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit.

Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body, but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. What? Know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost, which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore, glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which is God’s.

The conclusion of the matter is that God calls us all into a place of Purity for HIMSELF, which includes sexual purity. You can be sexually pure and not be pure in other facets of your life. Wholistic purity, where we do not get to pick and choose what favours us or makes us comfortable.

Next: SEXUAL PURITY, FOR GOD OR MAN?

What’s sex got to do with her?

Nelia Gyemfi — Tue, 13 Jul 2021 01:32:27 +0000

Sex ·u·al·i·ty ; capacity for sexual feelings.

Welcome to the first post in a four-part series we are calling “What’s sex got to do with her? Exploring deeper elements of female sexuality among Christians”. The church, in its entirety, has shied away from speaking on the topic of sex from the pulpit. The few times the church has attempted to address sex in sermons, seminars, and marriage books, rarely do we hear a female perspective on teaching meant for the whole church. Even more, censored is the conversation on single women and their sexuality.

In the four-part series, I hope to speak openly and freely on our sexuality as single Christian women. The conversation has multiple layers and dimensions to it. I pray that the Holy Spirit will bring finality to the confusion and concerns we have and experience in all things.

DISCLAIMER: The word “Sexuality” used in this post refers to straight/heterosexual relationships.

Part I: FREEDOM TO EXPRESS HER SEXUALITY

“Clitoris, female erogenous organ capable of erection under sexual stimulation”

Let start here; God had every intention to let you as a woman express and enjoy your sexuality. Admittedly the context for expressing and enjoying your sexuality as a single woman is not the same as that of a married woman. Sexuality is a part of your being, your existence, your essence. At this point in our relationship with God, I am optimistic we can all agree that HE CREATED US!! ALL OF OUR INDIVIDUAL PARTS WERE FORMED BY HIM TO PERFORM A FUNCTION. Mouth to eat and speak, ears to listen, eyes to see, legs to walk, hands to touch and feel, hair for beauty, nose to breathe and the clitoris for sexual stimulation! See what I did there?

Growing up in sub-Saharan Africa, Ghana, to be specific, we were exposed to particular cultural practices that suppressed the sexuality of the female. The female was punished for merely being a sexual being. The two primary cultural practices were the Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) and the “Birago) or DIPO.” The FGM is basically female circumcision, except in this case, the part of the vagina responsible for sexual arousal and stimulation is mutilated or cut off, i.e., the clitoris. The motive for cutting off the clitoris is to prevent the woman from experiencing any form of sexual pleasure. In so doing, the woman will be faithful to only her husband because “she can’t miss what she has never experienced.” “Birago) or DIPO” (they do not have English words) is the outdooring of a young girl who has reached puberty and is culturally regarded as “ripe for marriage.” On the surface, that looked like an acceptable way to promote chastity and dignify the girl until the young girl gets pregnant before she is “out doored.” She is regarded as a disgrace, disowned by family, and banished from the community. In some cases, she becomes an outcast with the man responsible for the pregnancy, in other cases alone.

I cite these two examples to set the tone for the conversation on our freedom to express our sexuality healthily, without prejudice, judgement, or punishment. One may ask, what exactly do I mean by expressing our sexuality? We will get right to it; in the meantime, I want to spend some time calling our attention to how the church culture has promoted passivity regarding single women and their sexuality.

The Church culture has been unnecessarily critical of the sexuality of women for all the right reasons but with the wrong approach and motive. The right reason is to prevent pregnancies outside of wedlock. Most sermons on Chasity, purity and sexual immorality were directed at the female. We were told, “God does not want you to do such and such,” but then the question of “What does God really want me to do with my sexuality before marriage” was never answered. The closest way out would be “wait till marriage.” But what if I can’t wait? What if I was raped? What if?

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One of the most toxic and harmful narratives perpetuated by the church culture is that for a woman, sex matters to you only when it is to pleasure your husband or to have children. While I must admit that it is changing significantly with feminism and all types of advocacies, it is not easy to unlearn something fundamentally ingrained in your orientation. For my twenty-something years of being in existence and being in the church, I have not for once heard an honest, open, and transparent conversation on female sexuality. The church has failed woefully in that area, but not to be harsh on the institution as I believe they only promoted what was handed down to them. The result of the failure is a gap between sexuality and spirituality. Questions like, is it okay to want to talk about sex in a healthy context? Can I pray to God about my sexuality and not only in the context of fornication or sexual immorality? What part does my sexuality play in my spirituality? How can I intersect the two, or is it appropriate to be a tongue-speaking, Holy Ghost-filled Christian and be knowledgeable about my sexuality as a woman?

It wasn’t until I clocked mid-twenties and my hormones developed more that I began to experience a heightened need for sexual encounters or intimacy. I am probably a late bloomer as some women experience it as early as puberty. Also, for a while, I was ignorant that a female could be sexually aroused just as a man could. It didn’t have to be because a male touched her necessarily. But why don’t we talk about the woman’s sexual wants or cravings? Why are we “hush-hush” on the subject? Why do we make it seem that sex only appeals to the male? Why do we make it seem like the man is the only one who can want or enjoy sex, but for the woman, it is solely for reproductive purposes? Why do we excuse men for sexual immorality in the church but punish the woman? Are both not expressing their God-given right?

God created sex! God created sex in the context of marriage! God created both man and woman as sexual beings! That means both man and woman can express their freedom to want and enjoy sex without judgment or condemnation within the proper context. And both man and woman have a part to play in reproduction. It also means that if God wanted to excuse the man for sexual immorality, the woman would not have been made a sexual being. The argument that only men suffer unthinkable sexual tensions or desires is debatable. I have come to know that women suffer the same too, but the only difference is we are not allowed to own it, talk about it or even think about it. What we as a people have done is to tell the woman, you cannot desire a man. You cannot want intimacy. You cannot enjoy intimacy. The only time you can is for reproduction or to please a man. And we act surprised when women demand to be paid after sex, and I am not speaking in the context of harlotry. But the irony of that situation is that we have a culture where the man is excused for his unbridled sexual desires, and the woman is punished for having sexual desires. I highly doubt that was God’s intention. One person can explain themselves, and the other shamed for having a passion and a desire that both experience.

Even though God created sex in the context of marriage and knowing fully well that before then is a long, humbling period of singleness, I am optimistic that He still wants us to experience freedom in our sexuality. Definitely not in the same context as marriage. So now the question is “How can I express my sexuality freely as a single woman in Christ?” or on the flip side, “What is the freedom to express her sexuality?”. Let’s go with which one of the two sounds better for you.

How can I express my sexuality as a single Christian woman?

How about we start from the point that we need to disabuse our minds from the school of thought that having healthy conversations about sex is a sin. Women can chat about anything… relationships, careers, social justice, theology, politics, religion. Yet when it comes to sex, our chatter turns thin. Sure, we’ll discuss sex as a reproduction: using birth control, getting pregnant, or our married friends struggling with infertility. We may even bring up regrets from our sexual past or lament a sexual abuse trauma, but that’s about it. The danger is once we get to the point of heightened hormonal changes, armed with little to no information or knowledge, we get out there to seek that information by being experimental. And we end up, most of the time, engaging in the very act the church was endeavouring to avoid, have pre-marital sex. One of the most powerful tools one can ever have is knowledge and insight into relevant topics. Sex is a pertinent topic for single Christian women too. Being deliberately ignorant is not prudent. The reason for which sex conversations have been non-existent within the context of singlehood is that the church likes to think “they will not engage in what they do not know.” But not when our bodies have been wired in a way to desire that.

Contrary to popular opinion, I find that the woman’s body is particularly desirous of intimacy during the ovulation stage of the monthly cycle. The woman’s body is literally ripe for pregnancy during that period. The God-ordained way to get pregnant is through sex. So hence, the woman is desirous of intimacy, particularly during that window. But I did not read this; neither was I told. I staggered into this insight through experience.

The best way to prevent something from happening is not through ignorance instead through knowledge, insight, and information. The best way to avoid being broke is through financial literacy. The best way to have good health is through medical information or research. The best way to encourage single women within the context of their sexuality is to welcome healthy conversations about the topic in the church. Pretending the sun does not exist does not mean the sun doesn’t really exist.

In the same way, pretending that single Christian women are not burning with sexual desires does not mean it is not a reality. The very act of sex is preserved for marriage Yes! But the knowledge of sex is not exclusive to the context of marriage. Sex must be demystified from the pulpit and within the four walls of the church.

Secondly, the single woman should not be punished by Church culture or any culture. The punishment may not be as evident in our world today as it was sometime back. However, the passive-aggressive way of belittling women in the church because of sexual immorality is not deterring. Instead, it breads an unhealthy environment of hypocrisy. Women are shamed, called harlots or prostitutes, for sexual immorality, but the man is given a pat on the back. That is some ridiculous level of double standards which is not reflective of the fruits of the spirit. The church culture is quick to forgive a man who has a history of sexual immorality but will nail the lady who was caught once in the same act of indecency. The woman caught in the very act of adultery in scripture was almost stoned to death, if not for the mercies of Christ. But I bet the man caught in adultery with her also picked up a stone, ready to call for her blood. (John 8 v 1 -11)

Additionally, we, as single Christian women, need to repent. We need to repent for not accepting that we are sexual beings. We need to repent from the idea that our sexuality was for two reasons only, to pleasure the man or to bring children into the world. We need to repent from also enabling the church culture to get away with belittling us and our sexuality. We need to repent and come to an understanding that if blood flows through our veins and breath in our nostrils, we are sexual beings. That we, too, will be tempted. That we, too, will experience sexual tensions. That we, too, can own these conversations within the proper context and with our circle of trust. But ultimately, the goal is not to give in to the temptations. And one way to do that is to accept that we, too, experience these tensions. Being oblivious or ignorant will not serve us well.

Next: THE MYTH OF VIRGINITY, OR NOT?

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Re-Planting 2021

Nelia Gyemfi — Mon, 15 Feb 2021 13:22:59 +0000

RE-PLANTING: what, why and how?

re·plant

/rēˈplant/

verb: plant (a tree or plant that has been dug up) again, especially when transferring it to a larger pot or new site. To plant again, or anew

If the conversation where God told Abram to move from family happened in the 21^st century, I imagine it going on like this:

God: Young man, you’ve got to go. Move from your home country, your family and friends. Basically, the life you’ve known all your life is over.

Abram: Yes, Sir. Erm (Hesitation) to where am I going? Don’t I need a visa, a ticket and other stuff? Any contact at the place you want me to go to?

God: To a land that I will show you.

Abram:[getting frustrated at this point.] But God, I can’t just get on a flight, train, or bus to nowhere. Which direction to even go? What do I even pack? For how long? God, just God, please be give me clarity.

God: TO A LAND THAT I WILL SHOW YOU.

Abram: Okay, okay. Fine. But does this land at least have a name? Perhaps I could google it or something. So I know how to get there.

God: TO THE LAND THAT I WILL SHOW YOU. That is all the directional information you will need.

Oh, and lest I forget, in this land that I will show, I will bless you. I will make you a great nation and make your name strong. I will bless those that bless you and curse those who curse you. I mean, you get the gist!

So, it came to pass that, eventually, Abram obeyed as God had directed him.

Let us recount another Biblical story, shall we?

After Adam and Eve had sinned against God, God asked them to move out of the Garden of Eden. God had them move into a new land that will be suitable to their current circumstance. This incident was not one where God said I will bless those who bless you. Or make your name great or whatsoever. The closest comforting words God spoke to them was that the seed of the woman would crush the head of the serpent.

Ruth, and Naomi, had to move from the country of Moab to Bethlehem-Judah. Now for Naomi, she returned to her home country after she had lost her husband and two sons. For Ruth, she is a diligent daughter-in-law who had grown attached to her mother-in-law that she decided to move from her home country, Moab, to Bethlehem-Judah. Ruth, currently in the history, did not know the God of Bethlehem. She was a Moabitess, and they served other gods. In Ruth 16 & 17, it reads, “But Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you or to turn back from following you; for where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people will be my people, and your God, my God. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord do the same to me [as He has done to you], and more also, if anything but death separates me from you.” These words that Ruth spoke were a vow. A vow I have come to believe she said under the inspiration of God. Why? Because God needed her to move from Moab to Bethlehem-Judah to fulfil her purpose.

We could continuously provide accounts of people whom God had to move from one place to another for various reasons, but ultimately, these people will fulfil a purpose, be blessed, and have the room to be all that God had called them to be. It goes without saying that If Abram(Abraham), Adam and Eve, Ruth, and Naomi, had not obeyed the voice of God and moved out of their place, theirs would have been a different ending.

You are probably thinking, Adam and Eve were better off in the garden. And yes, I agree. That life would have been way easier for us if that had been the case. But here is the other side, we would not have received the gift of salvation. We would have to live under the law and be judged in our own right, on purity, Godliness, and righteousness.

So why all these people when the theme is “RE-PLANTING”?

Let me blow your mind some more, or not. Notice how scripture uses the analogy of seeds and plants to describe the people of God.

Psalm 1:3 And he will be like a tree firmly planted [and fed] by streams of water, Which yields its fruit in its season; Its leaf does not wither; And in whatever he does, he prospers [and comes to maturity].

And also how God moves us from one place to another when God is yet to do a new thing? The Israelites are the classic example. Joseph, Abraham, Ruth. The list is tall and non-exhaustive.

What is replanting?

If you have ever housed a plant, you will know that there comes the point when the flowerpot or bed doesn’t support the plant anymore. It could be that the plant has outgrown the pot, or the plant-bed is overcrowded. It could also mean the plant is not receiving the right amount of light or water, or nutrients essentially, that the area is not conducive to support the plan to grow to its full potential. That is when replanting comes in handy. The caretaker or plant-mom will need to survey, research and decide on replanting the plant.

Referring to my point on why scripture refers to the people of God as plants the countless number of times. For instance, we are familiar with the parable of wheat and tares. And even Jesus describes himself as the true vine.

Our grade school knowledge in science and agriculture teaches us that if all the conducive conditions necessary for the plant’s growth are present, the plant will grow and thrive. Some plants are high maintenance, while you can get away with not paying attention to some plants for weeks. The critical point is, these plants have all the conditions present for their growth. If at any point in time, some needs are not met, the caretaker must adjust. And most times, adjusting means uprooting, moving, transferring or planting anew.

Why re-planting?

I am convinced that scripture uses the plants one too many times to describe various aspects of our faith journey because we are like plants as a people. We will only bloom, grow, develop in a place conducive for us. In a place that supports every aspect of our growth. Invariably, what that means is that if and when are deeply rooted and planted in an area, yet bearing no fruits or not blooming, we need to be replanted.

I find that sometimes the pot or seedbed, which is a temporary place of growth, becomes permanent, which is destructive to the plant. More specifically, some of us have become comfortable in areas we were to pass through. Some of us have become bosom friends with people we were literally supposed to say ‘hi & bye.’ Some of us are working in a place we are only supposed to gather experience from and move on. Some of us are pursuing passions that were supposed to only re-direct us to the real deal. We are holding on to temporary situations, desperately trying to convert them into permanent things. This is why replanting is needed.

How?

I will not even lie to you. The process of replanting is messy, painful, uncertain. But it is also new, hopeful and rewarding.

The how is a process. I like to break it down into two parts.

The caretaker of the plant prepares the plant to be replanted. As a child of God, God is the caretaker. God prepares you, like the plant, before He finally starts the process to replant you.
The caretaker prepares a place for you. God prepares a place for you. He does not take you for granted. So best believe that If God is asking you to be replanted, He has prepared a fertile ground for you.

It is my prayer, that as we go through this period of REPLANTING, you will be discerning and sensitive to the areas in your life God is nudging you to uproot yourself from. And that you will continuously have faith and allow yourself to be replanted.

Jezebel; The Slay Queen

Nelia Gyemfi — Sun, 01 Jul 2018 19:26:00 +0000

For y’all self-acclaimed slay queens, here’s a toast to the original and literal slay queen, QUEEN JEZEBEL. I mentioned in one of the posts of Self love that real Queens are too busy putting their kingdom in order and in place. Real promising queens, like Queen Esther, build legacies, give life and hope to the desolate and are full of God’s Wisdom!
To be a Slay Queen is to literally kill and that was exactly what Jezebel did to keep herself busy. She was a destructive queen at whose reign God’s people buried several prophets.
I bet to say, if Jezebel walked into a boardroom today to interview for a job, she’d be hired in a heartbeat. All heads will turn and admire the confident, Intelligent, courageous, and assertive woman. She was a born leader with considerable influence who boldly took on the competition and got things done without excuses!
When such a woman honours the Lord, great things happen. This pushy Phoenician princess worshipped Baal, a fertility god. Temple prostitution and child sacrifice were the order of the day. Murdering the prophets of Israel was business as usual. No wonder she’s described as the Lady Macbeth of the Bible. Jezebel is a perfect example of misplaced priorities and misused potentials.
King Ahab “did more evil in the eyes of the Lord than any of those before him” (1 Kings 16:30) and marrying Jezebel was at the top of his evil deeds. Politics, not romance, paired this nefarious couple. Sounds familiar?

Who is JEZEBEL, THE SLAY QUEEN

Growing up in Sunday School, I quite remember how young girls will cringe at the sound of Jezebel. It has been a name associated with witchcraft, manipulation and evil deeds. In short, it is a name no woman wants to be associated with. I am yet to meet a young woman called JEZEBEL.

She’s the daughter of Ethbal; a priest of Baal. Hence the name Jezebel which means married to Baal. Ethbal, the priest-king of Tyre murdered his own brother to take over the throne so it came as no surprise when Jezebel followed in her father’s footsteps to be a power-loving blood-seeking murderess who will stop at nothing to get what she wanted. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree huh?

Anyway, let’s dive into the reason we chose Jezebel for our bible character Study this month.
Jezebel was the wife of Israel’s king at the time; King Ahab. As King Ahab’s wife, she wielded a lot of power. She teaches us how to be doting. She showed so much care for Ahab and was able to detect if there was anything troubling him. She wanted to grant him all his heart desires and went so far to get him whatever he wanted. Regardless of her evil nature, Jezebel exuded a great amount of passion for what and whom she loved. She would not take excuses. Nothing was literally impossible in the eyes of Jezebel. As long she can conceive it mentally, there were no boundaries to get to it. Jezebel was evil and yes there’s no repentance for evil spirits, and I am in no way praising Jezebel or putting her on a pedestal.
Young Christian women tend to be timid. We teach it to our children and they grow up in it. Girls at Sunday school are expected to be “graceful” without grit. They are taught about Eve, which makes them to hate their gender even at that age as they are made to believe that their species got the world to where it is today. I remember distinctively being mad at Eve or at the imagination of Her. I was unhappy that the downfall of mankind was attributed to the woman (discussion for another day, but to read my thoughts on Eve, go to my post on Eve). After Eve, we were probably taught about how charming and adorable and completely innocent Mary was. The picture is painted in our minds to be living in the shadows till the favour of God locates us. We were never taught Deborah, the female Judge, or even Jael, the woman who killed Sisera by stabbing Him with his own spear. We were never taught of Abigail whose intelligence and smartness saved her home from the wrath of David. We were however told that Delilah, a woman was the source of Samson’s downfall. Get where I’m headed? Follow on…
Jezebel possessed confidence that is enviable, intelligence and assertiveness as a woman which is totally admirable. The young Christian woman needs these and must put them to the right use, not to become manipulative blood thirsty women. Our spirituality alone will not set us apart in this word.

Another vital lesson we can learn is our power of influence as women. We can learn from Jezebel never to underestimate our power of influence over our children. Jezebel was good at influencing and teaching her children but she did not give them good lessons. Athaliah(daughter of Jezebel and King Ahab) took Jezebel’s influence and went a step further to evil by killing any possible heirs so that she could be queen. How much focus we put into serving the Lord and the way we treat others will teach our children to do same. The way we lead, love and submit will be seen and imitated by our offspring. Not just our biological children. Whoever is within our circle over whom we have a considerable amount of influence over.
Still on influence, Jezebel knew the great deal of influence and power she had as a wife and queen, therefore she didn’t underrate it. Because of the influence she had as a queen and wife, she was able to acquire Naboths vineyard for her husband, once again, misused potentials.
Imagine, just imagine, Jezebel with all her grit, grace, intelligence, assertiveness, but just with the Spirit of God, not the spirit of Baal. She wouldn’t be the witchcraft caricature we imagine at the sound of her name. In the same vein, many many many young women with amazing qualities and potentials going the wrong way, misdirection all that potentials to the vertical wrong things.

Influence is at the heart of women. God made you to be an influencer. Influence is the undeniable power of a woman, once tapped, opens many doors. Woman, Your power is in your ability to influence. I cannot over emphasize this enough. (Here’s a link to a piece I wrote two years ago on how to be a woman of Good influence, peek a read , https://rubiesworth.com/influence-it-is/)
Influence is a heart thing.
Michelle Mckinney Hammond in her book, the power of being a woman mentioned “the gift of Influence is the invisible power that women overlook”

Proverbs 4:23 Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.
As Christian ladies, we must be able to understand that we have so much influence and if put to good use, will go a long way in helping us to develop ourselves, our community and populate the kingdom of God.

The influence of a woman can make or break a man. In the case of Jezebel, we all know what happened to Ahab.

Jezebel’s life is a story of talent wasted and abuse of power. Should she have channelled her intelligence, courage, enthusiasm and influence to the service of God and Israel, she would have been one of the most revered queens in the history of Israel and would have given Queen Esther a fierce competition in the Bible days.

Dear Phenomenal Woman,
Be a Queen, I mean a real Queen, not a wannabe queen, or a slay queen. Remember your worth is Far Above Rubies and that the crown of Womanhood that rests gracefully on your head is invaluable. Don’t trade your pearls for stones.

“It’s definitely difficult being a woman and growing up a girl. When you’re graceful, people say you lack personality; when you’re serene, people say you’re boring; when you’re confident, people say you’re arrogant; when you’re feminine, people say you’re too girly; and when you climb trees, people say you’re too much of a tomboy! As a woman, you really need to develop a very strong sense of self and the earlier you can do that,the better! You have to be all the things that you are, without allowing other people’s ignorance change you! I realized that they don’t know what grace is, they can’t identify serenity, they have inferiority complexes, they are incapable of being feminine, and they don’t know how to climb trees!” ― C. JoyBell C

Love, Nelia.phenomenalwoman