Charm v Substance – Being Phenomenal

Tamar-Not this Widow II

Nelia Gyemfi — Sat, 26 Nov 2022 12:26:44 +0000

In the following years Tamar heard that her father-in-law Judah was visiting the city in which she lived. Judah’s wife the daughter of shore had died and when the time of morning was passed Judah was going up to the sheep shearers in Timnah with his friend Hirah, the Adullamite. I guess news travels far, so Tamar found out her father-in-law was going to make this trip, down to the city where she lived.

Let’s not forget that at this point Tamar had been waiting in her father’s home as a widow for Judah’s last son to come of age so she could be married to him. I could only imagine the betrayal of trust and love that Tamar felt towards her father-in-law after he had promised that when his third son, Shelah came of age, he was going to give her to him for a husband.

So, she planned very strategically to meet with her father-in-law. This meeting is not one that you would even think of and I for one had judged Tamar based on just how unorthodox and initially I thought self-centred this meeting was. Tamar took off her window’s clothes and disguised herself, with a veil and wrapped herself up in disguise. She then positioned herself at the gateway of Enaim, which is on the road to Timnah, Judah’s destination. When Judah saw her he thought that she was a temple prostitute for she had covered her face as such woman did in those days. He turned to her by the road and said please, let me lie with you. Tamar didn’t just go with him again because she was strategic about what she was doing, and she knew exactly what the outcome was that she wanted. So, she asked “what will you give me if I came in to lay with you?” And for a man of Judah’s calibre, this was a very easy question for him so he answered and said oh I will give you one of my young goat from my flock. She said well, obviously you don’t have the goats with you here but what you can do is you can give me a pledge which is something that I can hold onto until you have delivered the goat and Judah agreed. So, he asked what pledge I would give you that would be satisfactory for you and she said give me your seal, your cord, and your staff that is in your hand. She might have all have said that you know what let me just take a picture of you and hold on to that or let me just take a DNA sample of you and hold on to that because all these three things that she took from him as a pledge were things that would later come to find out where very specific and unique to Judah as an individual. No one else had his seal no one else had his staff and no one else had his cord.

So after their little you know chit chat and bargain Judah eventually lay with Tamar which is biblical jargon for had sex with Tamar. After the intimacy, Tamar got up early the next morning gathered her things left and put on put back her widows clothing and just went back to her father’s home as if nothing had happened. Eventually Judah sent the goat, which remember he had promised to Tamar. He sent this through his friend, Hirah, Tamar was nowhere to be found. He inquired from the people around and said there was a prostitute that sat by the temple where can I find her? He was told you know what there is no prostitute that sat by this temple you might have made a mistake and there was no one here. So, the friend returned to Judah and said I can’t find the person. Judah said that you know what if we can find her that’s fine, we just keep the goat because if we keep looking for her and it is found out that I am the one who laid with her, it’s going to be embarrassing for me.

A few months passed and again as word travels fast Judah was told that you know your daughter-in-law Tamar whom you had sent home to wait for your youngest son to come of age so that he would marry her? Yeah, that same Tamar is pregnant. Judah was furious, he was upset, and he ordered her to be brought out and let her be burned because of her immorality. Again, let’s not forget that just a few months even before now Judah himself had laid with Tamar whom he thought was a prostitute which was also immoral. But as it pertains to Tamar he was upset and said let’s burn her for her immorality talk about double standards.

While she was being brought to be burned, she took all the things that Judah gave her as a pledge the seal the cord the staff and said to Judah I am with child by the man to whom these articles belong. And she added please examine them carefully and see clearly to whom these things belong the seal, the cord, and the staff. Judah recognized these articles as his and said you know what she is been more righteous than I have ever been in this matter why because I did not give her my son Sheila as I had promised. And so, tamer’s life was spared. And when the time came for her to give birth the word twins in her womb these twins would eventually be called Perez and Zerah who are in the genealogy of Jesus Christ.

What lessons do we learn from Tamar in this part

Re-writing your story: Let’s be honest Judah had no plans of given Shelah to Tamar for marriage. In which case Tamar would have remained a widow in her father’s home till she passed into glory. And as we saw in part one, Judah had the power or the prerogative to release Tamar and allow her to remarry from another family, but he didn’t do that for reasons known to him. Tamar eventually realized she had the power by the grace of God to rewrite her story. She marinated on the fact that for the larger part of her adult life her story had been narrated by being passed on from son to son to son and that was all that we would know about her until she said to herself not this widow. And once she came to the realization that she had the power to break through those limiting beliefs and to rewrite her story, she in fact did rewrite her story. Though her means may be questionable, she still did rewrite her story.

I want you to pause and reflect what part of your life do you need to rewrite. What narrative has been said about you or has been taught about you that you have believed for a while and that has become your identity. I want you to start reimagining what life could be like if you said not this again. I want you to reimagine what your life would be if you decided that from henceforth, I would not buy into this narrative about my life anymore and I choose to rewrite that story. I challenge you to do that. I challenge you to take control over what the narrative has been about you. Whatever position that you’ve been placed in that you feel that you are helpless and so you’re waiting for someone to come bail you out, what if that person cannot bail you out? What if that person decides not to bail you out what will become of you? And so, I want you from now onwards to approach life and realize that you know what no one is coming to bail me out of this thing called life. No one is going to bail me out of this narrative until I decide that I’m going to bail myself out.

Strategic Planning and Positioning:

I find it hard to believe that Judah’s first time of visit in this city was when Tamar met him. He probably would have traveled to that city several times prior, and Tamar would have known or would have heard of it at some point just as she did this time. The only difference this time was that after she heard, she decided she needed to rewrite her story. She strategically planned and executed her plan. It goes without saying that you can plan all you want but if you do not pull those plans into action, you won’t get the desired results. For Tamar to be pregnant the only one time she had sex with her father-in-law meant that she was in her ovulation cycle. That is the only way she would have been pregnant by having sex with her father-in-law. Nothing else outside of that window would have worked. So, she had to be calculative enough to figure out “when I’m in my cycle and this is when I’m going to meet him and this is the conversation that I would have with him, that he would have sex with me and will be pregnant.”

On top of that for me not to be shamed or stoned to death I need to prove that he is responsible for my pregnancy. So, a goat would not be proof enough. The only evidence beyond doubt would be his articles which are his stuff his called and his seal. Tamar knew that as soon as she’s able to present these articles as evidence of the man who impregnated her, she would be vindicated and that’s exactly what happened. Why is this important? It’s important to note this because often we get into a space where we want to change our results, we want to be right our story, but we have no plans. In the off chance that we have a plan we do not strategically execute the plan. Tamar knew how to dress, she knew how to disguise herself enough not to be recognized, she knew where to sit, how to position herself so that Judah would not miss her. She knew the conversation to have with Judah and she knew how to steer the conversation to get what she wanted out of that situation. Again, I want you to think about your life what part of your life are you re-imagining what part of your life are you rewriting but narrative are you looking to rewrite what strategic plan are you putting in place to ensure that comes to pass and how are you making sure that you execute the plans that you have put in place together desired results.

When it’s all said and done Tamar said not this widow. This widow will not die a widow neither will she die motherless. She recognized that by to grace of God, I am the only one that can rewrite this story of mine and turn the end of the story. And once she had that shift in her mindset, she had a plan would she executed by positioning herself at the right place other right time having the right conversation doing the right thing disguising herself in the way that is going to give the desired results.

Daughter of Zion you cannot live a haphazard life and expect results to change. You cannot buy into the narrative of the world about you and expect that someone is going to bail you out of that narrative. When and if you find the courage to decide to rewrite, reimagine or retell that part of your story, that part of your life that thing that is holding you back right now know that planning alone is not enough you need to execute the plan. in the story.

The Missing Link: Charm vs Substance

Nelia Gyemfi — Sun, 24 Jun 2018 18:20:48 +0000

The Missing Link: Charm vs Substance

Charm and substance is gradually becoming a delicate topic among young Christian women in recent times. There has been constant talk on how to look appealing and attractive without being revealing and subsequently be academically fit, eloquent in speech, courteous, have very strong morals, possess and exhibit a Godly character; and oh! Be instrumental in the home as well ; be a woman of substance. Is there a relationship between being modestly attractive and possessing good morals? What is the connection between charm and substance and how important is it? To find out let’s take this scenario of a jewellery box and beautiful pearls;

With all the beauty and attractiveness of the jewellery box, its still what it contains that matters the most; the pearls. The pearls actually receive most of the praise regardless of what the box looks like, due to the fact that it is protecting the pearls, they(pearls) still maintain their lustre. Its the pearls that are being carried about so they receive more attention than the box does. However, if the box in which the pearls are kept is rusted, old and dirty, nobody actually cares about what it contains. The owner would have to go an extra mile to open up the box before people will begin to appreciate the value of the pearls. On the other hand, if the jewellery box is perhaps coated with gold with a silver outline and we open it only to realise what is in is just stone beads, there would be a cloud of disappointment that will take forever to disseminate into thin air. There is a link, between Charm and Substance.

Now back to charm and substance. The relationship is somewhat similar to that of the box and the pearls. Studying the text of Proverbs 31 attentively, we realise there’s a link between charm and substance. That missing link, is the intentionality of dignity. Alas, reading the very last verse, one can safely conclude that charm and beauty are not only what there is to a Woman.
Relating this to society, women are always made conscious of the fact that their beauty will fade away, presupposing that there’s little to gain from our beauty as women. Women are constantly reminded that after they bring forth new lives into this side of eternity, their body and charm lose its form as such, they ought to be humble at the time when they have it all together. This is a misconception that many hide behind to body shame women or to even put undue pressure on them to marry else once they loose their beauty, that’s the end.

God made woman, curvaceous with all the shapes in the right places. He gave us the softest of skin both in our front and back. He gave us the finest shapes of legs and calves, eyes that light up the stars and he crowned it with our hair. I have said already, that our God is a God of intentionality and precision.

He wouldn’t have done all these just to show off that yeaah He’s the creator. It was all intended to be a part of the persona of the last creation; woman.

The vanity of beauty is not in its fading away with time, but it is in its death. The controversy however, is the missing link between the charm and Substance.

Charm is indeed deceitful, and beauty is vain, but not when it is in consonance with the fear of God; Substance.

Charm is the power or quality of delighting, attracting, or fascinating others.Charm is that one thing that gets people bewildered with all sorts of emotions and thoughts but it doesn’t stand the test of time. charm is too good to be true. Charm is deceitful. Beauty, on the other hand is fleeting, just like a flower. Blossoms today, dried up and wrinkled tomorrow. But isn’t that the truth of life and mortality? Don’t men also get all wrinkled up and shrunk in their old age?
Substance, on the other hand is the real physical matter of which a person or thing consists and which has a tangible, solid presence. Substance could also be defined as the most important or essential part of something; the real or essential meaning.
Putting this in context of our jewellery box and pearls scenario, the box will be “Charm” and the pearls “Substance “.

Proverbs 31 v 22 “ she makes bedspreads and WEARS CLOTHES OF FINE PURPLE LINEN”.

You can put on the best and very expensive brands of makeup shoes and clothes as a Christian woman. What matters also is your dignity and modesty even as you keep yourself.
In my few years on earth, the women who genuinely fear the Lord, even in their old age, glow in beauty. It’s as if they never age or they even age backward. Rev Mrs Rosemond Eastwood Anaba, Rev Adelaide Heward Mills, Mrs Bernice Offei, Akosua Agyepong, Tagoe Sisters and even Daughters of Glorious Jesus to mention a few. These are women, who have brought forth into this world, who have gone through all the phases of Womanhood. But their skin is still radiant, they are still glowing, and most importantly, are still a beauty to behold. Dr Shirley Ceasar, Cece Winans, Juanita Bynum, Pastor Paula White and even Joyce Meyer who is over 70 years old.
The point I’m making is, the Christian woman must and should take care of her body, have substance, and integrate both of them. You need to clothe yourself in “fine linen”.
I’m in no way advising that you dress over budget because that is a unreasonable……
You’re the KING’S DAUGHTER, don’t ignore your physical upkeep in the name of humility or Christ. However, do not, under any circumstance, give all the attention to your beauty and Charm at the expense of your substance, then it becomes deceitful and fleeting as there’s nothing left of you.

Proverbs 31:30 reads, ” Charm is deceptive and beauty disappears but a woman who honours the Lord is to be praised”. A woman who honours the Lord? Yes! She has practical wisdom and insight, she’s clothed in strength and dignity, she cares for others and is very compassionate. Above all she’s very hardworking and diligent. Now that’s substance! She has substance, so she would be praised wherever she goes. She honours the Lord and by virtue of that she deserves so much respect.

Though inner beauty is a preferred choice, being able to combine charm and substance is very important and has its added advantages. So while slaying those Christian Dior shoes bear in mind that a woman who honours the Lord deserves to be praised!

Love, Nelia.phenomenalwoman

CHARM vs. SUBSTANCE

Nelia Gyemfi — Sun, 08 Apr 2018 18:39:03 +0000

Amidst shouting and yelling on top lungs and intestines, Maame Nyarkoa packed her belongings from her matrimonial bedroom and the closet she had owned for 10 years into the back room of the house, also known as boys quarters. She watched in tears as the Penelope moved into her place. Sadly, this wasn’t over her dead body. It was as though her life had become a scripted movie Or perhaps, as though she was watching a 3D movie were she could feel every bit of emotion being acted. She wishes to pause the scene and rewind. How about I cut this scene off as the director of this movie? She couldn’t. As Facebook live would have it, she had to live in the moment. No allowance for editing or pausing or fixing.
Maame Nyarkoa had been married to this man for the past 10 years. She was a professional baker and so she worked from home. She had her bakery at her backyard. She bakes the yummiest of all cakes and the freshest of all breads. She was a wise woman who built her home, as proverbs 14 v 1 would have it. She was industrious, she was proactive, she was diligent and dignified. Her marriage was bliss until her husband fell amidst a pack of wolves. Friends, they said they were.

“You’re now the Chief Executive Officer of Tullow. Is it everywhere you can take that baker of a wife to?” Friend one says. “Oh that woman who’s always reeking of flour, eggs and margarine mixed together” said another friend. They all burst into laughter over the drinks they were having that Friday night in honour of their newly promoted friend.

Dan Otoo had lived with this woman for the past 10 years. Shared the same bedroom, same bed, same bathroom and even sometimes same towel but had never realised his wife smelled like flour, eggs and margarine mixed together until the unscrupulous elements who call themselves friends said it? Isn’t it amazing?

You need an Executive woman as a wife. One who smells like lavender oil immersed in vanilla extract. One whose hands are not scared with oven burns. The friends told him.

The poor man found sense in what his friends fed him. That night, Maame Nyarkoa’s woes begun. Dan came home in a miserable state of drunkenness.

You pig! You can’t take care of yourself. You’re always looking white like Ghost. Educated woman like you. You decided to quit your job to do what again? Remind me you, you, you, (stretched his hand as if to hit her but she swerved it….)

So just like that, their marriage went from wee to pee. To the point where Maame Nyarkoa was put under duress to move into the back room. She earned a lot from her business. She was eventually able to purchase a new home for herself and relocated her business there as well with her two daughters.

Dan Otoo and his new wife, Penelope lived a life out of this world. Penelope was a Banker as such she fit perfectly into the shoes of a trophy wife. All was mesmerising until they begun to taste the other sides of each other. Dan was not the intentional kind of man. He would leave his socks flying up and about without care. Penelope looked like a prim and proper lady on the surface but was low key lazy. She had the kind of temper that takes the breaking of glasses to calm down. She was a drug addict and a drunk.

Okay, flashback. Penelope happened to be Mr Oto’s relationship officer at the bank. The kind of woman that you see and you say to yourself, this is the doing of the Lord, and it is Marvellous in my sight. In a word, she was Charming. Dan asked her out on a date.
One thing led to another, and for some reason known only to Dan, he thought it wise to replace a ruby with a gold plated stone.

Meanwhile, Maame Nyarkoa continued her duties as a mother to her babies. Hard as it was, she was able to forgive Dan and opened herself up again to meet people. She met Kirk who used to patronise her baked goods very often. She knew Kirk was a good man but was she ready? One night, her second daughter, Danielle had a fever and was throwing up all over.

With no one to call, she finally decided this was the time for Kirkby to prove himself, not only as a Paediatrician, but as the Father he’s promised he was going to be to these angels. Kirk got to her home in less than 10 minutes. He found Danielle on the floor, in an attempt to lift her up into the bath, “wrrrrruuuuuuhhhhh” she puked on him. He just smiled and said, “that’s it baby. You gon feel better after a bath…”

Two weeks later, Kirk and Maame Nyarkoa got engaged. As the world we live in would have it, the same unscrupulous elements of friends forwarded the pictures to Dan, who was almost Bankrupt as he couldn’t keep up with the lavish lifestyle of Penelope but for fear of being alone, kept on borrowing from the banks.

It was at this point, that regret smeared him like shea butter on a baby’s skin. Now, the Scripture

Beauty is Vain, and Charm is deceptive, but a Woman who fears the Lord is to be honoured made sense to him.

In the words of Kalybos he exclaimed “Awurade m’adi Nkwaseas3m” .
He realised he had cast his pearl away only to pickup a stone.

He remembered how the smell of butter and fresh baked cookies in his home was always very welcoming…
He remembered how of the friends he had, he was the only one blessed with a family..
He remembered that indeed, Maame Nyarkoa was a Woman of Substance.

Here’s just an introduction to our new series;

CHARM V SUBSTANCE

DISCLAIMER

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANY OF THE CHARACTERS IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL. THIS POST WAS NOT MADE TO DEFAME OR NARRATE ANY ONE’S STORY. IT IS SOLELY FOR A DIDACTIC PURPOSE .