Hurt but not Held Back II

In our previous post on the topic “hurt but not held back”   we concluded that as Christian women, hurt, pain and rejection are inevitable however we have the ultimate power to determine how they make or unmake us. We further established that to deal with hurt,pain and rejection, we need to first of all accept what has happened, and clear our Atmosphere.


Today we continue our discussion on how not to be held back even when you’ve been hurt. Let’s get right to it Phenomenal Woman…


3. Have a positive mind set and attitude:

Search through your mind, rid it of all the cobwebs before they further imprison you. The mind in its own way can make a heaven of hell or a hell of heaven. Why do you brood of the love you lost long ago? Will that memory help put money in your pocket this month?
Why do you still grieve over your failures as though you’re the first to ever commit them? Will the tears cause your skill to be any better?
Why do you still sleep and waste dreams on the person who hurt you? Will the thought of cold-hearted revenge cause you to sleep better at night?


Why? Why oh ye daughter of Zion have you allowed such filth and clutter to gather in the attic of your mind, hardly making room for any positive vibes?

Legend has it that when you commit to memory the hurt, pain and rejection you have suffered, you re-live the same experience over and over, every time you remember.

Know this, that the ability to forget is a virtue, not a vice; a blessing in disguise.

Forget what is gone and let God concern himself with the future. He is far more capable than you, remember this.

4. Know that you are not alone: let me take you church alright? Hallelujah!

Luke 24 [RSV]

[vs: 13] That very day two of them were going to a village named Emma′us, about seven miles from Jerusalem,

[vs: 14] and talking with each other about all these things that had happened.

[vs: 15] While they were talking and discussing together, Jesus himself drew near and went with them.

[vs: 16] But their eyes were kept from recognizing him.

[vs: 28] So they drew near to the village to which they were going. He appeared to be going further,

[vs: 29] but they constrained him, saying, “Stay with us, for it is toward evening and the day is now far spent.” So he went in to stay with them.

[vs: 30] When he was at table with them, he took the bread and blessed, and broke it, and gave it to them.

[vs: 31] And their eyes were opened and they recognized him; and he vanished out of their sight.

[vs: 32] They said to each other, “Did not our hearts burn within us while he talked to us on the road, while he opened to us the scriptures?”


I needed to put this long text out here… Know that God is with you every tiny step of the way. When you tipped on that stone, when you nearly fell into the gutter, when your car broke down in the middle of the road.

These two young men walked a whole journey with Jesus Christ without realising that it was Him. They were focused on their journey and the conversation they were having rather than any other thing. Their eyes were fixed on getting to their destination.

I know it sounds cliché to say that sister, God is with you. We have often interpreted that to mean, God is waiting for me at some point, so I have to do well by myself to get to that point. (God help me to preach this).

Many times we are too focused on our problems, issues, hurt and pain that we miss the God factor in it all. We are completely immersed in our mess that we miss the presence of God. We are too consumed with ourselves that we forget that in the midst of the uproar, He is there.

The disciples in the boat where comfortable and fearless as long as they kept their eyes fixed on Jesus. Immediately the focus shifted and they forgot Jesus was there, when the storm came, they were scared!

When Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego walked through the fiery furnace, God didn’t just protect them from the outside. I mean He is God, He could have quenched that fire with just a drop of rain but He got in that furnace with them and walked beside them every step of the way until they came out of the fire. (Daniel 3:25)

When we walk through the fires of life, we must have confidence that no matter what we are experiencing, our God is walking right beside us, never leaving or forsaking us.

Fiery trials in life are inevitable. The Bible tells us to not be surprised when they come our way but, instead, rejoice when we experience them because those trials make us more like Christ.

In order for restoration to truly occur in our hearts, souls, and lives, we have to take our eyes off the hurt and instead focus on the cross. Jesus can heal the heart that people broke. He alone can exchange the pain for peace, hurt for healing, and rejection for redemption. There is no heart so broken that Jesus cannot fix it. There is no life so shattered that He cannot restore it. There is no pain too great that He cannot turn into joy.

You may have experienced great hurt, but from this moment forward don’t glorify the pain. Instead, magnify the Saviour.

If we have allowed past hurts, pain and rejection to permeate our lives and leave us smelling like smoke, we have now been empowered to no longer be held back by them. We can also be assured that we will never have to go through the fire alone.


Love; Nelia.phenomenalwoman



Hurt but not Held back; How to overcome Rejection, Hurt & Pain


Hurt but not held back! Hurt, pain and rejection are a part of our journey here on earth. Especially as a daughter of The King, we hope for a smooth ride on our road trip of life. Unfortunately, Hurt, pain and rejection are unwelcomed passengers.
When everything is said and done, as a child of God, what do you do when your heart is wrenched and bleeding with sorrow, hurt and pain? I have come to realise that as Christians, we almost never have this conversation about how to deal with our pain, hurt and rejection. The best we would say is “brother/sister, we will bear you up in prayers”.
When a believer goes through fire, we don’t expect them to come out of it stinking of the smoke, rather we expect the smell of fresh linen and after-shave. That fire could be a business gone wrong, friends who we trusted may have betrayed us, bad marriages, situations beyond our control… But we mount some unrealistic pressure on such people that it is almost impossible for them to be vulnerable in the house of God.
It is true, that as Children of God we are more than conquerors.
It is also known, that indeed the Holy Spirit is our comforter.

But may we not be oblivious to the fact that we are still flesh and blood, and majority of the hurt and pain we experience is physical rather than it is spiritual.

How then do you as a Child of God, overcome rejection, pain and hurt.

1. Acceptance: Why me? Why did this happen to me? What did I do wrong? What didn’t I do right? These and many more are some of the questions we ask ourselves after we have been hurt or rejected. Truth is, and I am sorry but this pill is bitter, you may never get the answers to these questions. Never ever! The closure you’re seeking may never come. I advise you accept the ill fate which has befallen you and do that as quickly as possible. The longer you wait, the more difficult it becomes to accept and move on. Imagine your house is on fire (God forbid). Instead of quickly coming to terms with the fire outbreak, you rather standby, hands on your head wailing. Asking what went wrong, while the fire is still razing your building. Perhaps, if you quickly came to terms, and took the necessary action, you may have salvaged a part of the building before it is utterly ruined. In the same vein, instead of crying over spilt milk and asking all the irrelevant questions, salvage the rest of it. In plain language, rather than wasting more time trying to figure out why what happened to you happened, focus that energy on other aspects of your life! Hope this makes sense. May I add that accepting the hurt and pain doesn’t mean you understand what happened.

2. Clear the Atmosphere: After you have settled within yourself, and you have accepted the pain, hurt and rejection, clear the atmosphere. Many times we may try to use perfumes and fresheners to mask the smell of the smoke as a result of the fire we’ve just come out off. We feel disappointment, hurt, fear, and anger. Instead of totally eliminating those negative emotions, we cover them up. We wear a happy face and “fake it ‘til we make it.” We may look steady and great on the outside, yet on the inside is a hollow place. Yes, sometimes we need to walk by faith, not by sight, and move forward even when we don’t feel like it. We can’t keep that up for very long, though. Unless we let God work on our inside to get to the root of the issue, the poignant smell of smoke will eventually overtake and consume us.
Thankfully, we can clear the atmosphere with the ultimate odor eliminator readily available to us.

1 Peter 5:7, “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.”

In order to eliminate the smell of smoke from our lives, we have to allow God to absorb those things we worry or fret about – those feelings which are keeping us overwhelmed, hurt, or angry.

Giving our cares to God doesn’t mean we give them to Him then take them back at the first opportunity. We have to let go completely and trust them to our Heavenly Father.

You may have been hurt, but you don’t have to hold back!

To be continued….




Rejection; (n) the fear which rests on the desire for approval from other people

As every mother would love their children to get into the best schools in the town so her child can also “have classmates”, my mother was no exception. My mum was and is still more passionate about my education than I have ever or would ever be.

She taught me how to read at an early age, perhaps immediately I started talking. She would sit with me every evening after dinner and help me read out words or short novels. Whenever I travelled with her, she would let me sit by the window and read out every signboard we saw. By the time I started day nursery, I could construct full sentences in English without a blunder. I remember one time; I was about 2 years(oh yes I remember my childhood that much) when my elder sister picked me up from school one afternoon. As I was telling her about my day and how mosquitoes had bitten me, an onlooker overheard my conversation and asked my sister how old I was to be able to express myself in the way that I did. After pre-school or day nursery as it was called then, I had to move on to kindergarten and begin actual schooling. At this point, my mum had begun an application to the best school in the town. It was run by white nuns. The character of the children that school produced was impeccable. All of my mum’s women Aglow friends sent their children to that school and guess what, they all got accepted at the first try.

My mum was devastated. She had prepared me for this school. I knew how to read, write and express myself, probably better than some of the kids that got accepted. It was time to actually move on from day nursery. My mum made me stay at home for a while, still hoping she’ll get me into this school, but time and time again I got rejected. She decided it was not wise to send me to another school, because she was scared I was going to be polluted and when I finally get into this school, I would be below standard. However, I also couldn’t stay at home waiting on this school to accept me.

I remember one evening, as my mum plaited my hard afro-kinky hair(she was a hairdresser so she always made sure my hair was on-point), she spoke softly to me saying “Nana, “the school” did not accept to take you”. Confused, I asked why she said “Because we are not Catholics or know any strong Catholic to vouch for you”. Honestly, as a three year old girl. I couldn’t make much of it except the fact that I had been rejected. The school did not approve of our Christian denomination and knowing my mum was also a Reverend in this denomination made it worse for me.

My mum then told me she wants me to start schooling at another school for the time being, while she worked on the dream school. I did not want to go to this other school, and rightly so, the 3 years I spent in that school was hell. I had a teacher beating me up at the least provocation. I remember one afternoon, after lunch break I gathered my friends and taught them a song which my Sunday school teacher taught me that previous Sunday. This KG1 madam heard us singing on the playground asked all of us to assemble in class. She called me out and lashed me in front of the classmates I barely remember now. As she lashed me, these were her exact words “You’re bad girl. What bad song were you teaching them, bad girl. I will beat you till you cry today”. Mind you, she heard the song and knew it was a Sunday school song, besides I was 4, what vulgar song did I know or even understand. I was that child that would never cry when beaten, but that day, she lashed me until I wailed in pain. After which she told the class not to engage with me or play with me again else they would be lashed also, another rejection (tears are actually rolling down my face recounting this over 2 decades later). Every girl in the class was allowed to braid their hair, except me. She pestered my parents until my dad couldn’t take it any longer, he sent me to the barbers without my mum’s knowledge. I went to school that morning with my hair full, I came back home looking like a potato, all because I was rejected. This teacher did not approve of my being. The children in my class took what the madam told them seriously that they wouldn’t play with me, literally. I ate by myself, I sat on the swings alone. I was a loner.

One afternoon, we were all gathered on the playground after eating. The girls were playing so I joined them. Then one of them whom I remember till date, being the “Barbie” amongst other dolls asked us all to line up that she was coming to choose her friends. You guessed right, she chose everyone but me. Amongst about 10 girls, I was the only one who was not her friend. The other girls run off with her leaving me, alone, on the playground. I remember asking myself what was wrong with me? I sat down and cried till it was time to go back to class. Another rejection!

I never had friends in that school till my mum was finally able to get me admitted into the “dream school”. No one played with me. No one spoke with me till I left that school. And till date, I have no clue why my KG1 madam treated me like that. I have had no closure as to why no one wanted to play with me or be friends with me. Till date, even though I remember a few of them, I actually have no friends from that school, especially my own classmates. No I was not weird or awkward, I was a skinny black girl like most little girls. I know this because immediately I changed schools, I made friends, some lasting till date. I had teachers who loved me and took personal interest in my potential.

Dealing with rejection as an adult can be devastating and heart-wrenching, how much more a child. One way or the other, we have all been rejected before, supposedly from the people we earnestly seek approval from. It could be an approval for friendship, for love, for work, for family, for anything at all. Rejection has the tendency to let you question you, while seeing the other party as the answer. For instance, I questioned myself because these girls will not play with me. However, if they came back to play with me, boom! There lies my answer.

In the next few weeks, we will treat REJECTION! To say I know the way in which this would go is a lie, I just ask for the leading of the Holy Spirit and it is my prayer that at the end, we would be able to rise above rejection when it does come our way.

Also here’s what we’re going to do. Together with you, we are going to put together individual stories of rejection and how we overcame them or walked away from it without closure. Kindly send us an email with your story @ or you can pm on facebook or Instagram. You have the right to remain anonymous. Common’ lets share.


love, Nelia.phenomenalwoman